My First Date

It's Monday night and I am on a date with myself.

I am at our corner coffee shop - with students and artists and couples on dates and a young man immersed in the pages of a yellowing old book. And right now, I am not a mom.

This new plan - of Monday nights for me are an attempt to establish or re-establish some sort of equilibrium. Of finding my inner calm and sanity that somehow after almost 5 months of being a new mom seems farther away than the Great Wall of China.

So I could be out shopping or at some bar or with some friends or at some yoga class, but instead I am sitting here, typing. I have chosen this because I have been yearning to speak - at least through the written word about what it feels like to be a mom, what it feels like to be responsible for feeding our family when cooking is one of my least favorite things to do and what it feels like to be a milk farm.

So, for my sanity, my equilibrium this will be my place to come back to, when I have something to say.

About me

I am a new mom. I am a wife. I am a city dweller in a one bedroom apartment. I gave birth at home in our living room, in a birthing tub. I used to have a seated meditation practice - now I steal moments during the day, whenever I can. I trust this too shall pass. I am learning to never say never. I accept that there will always be a stain on my new white shirt. A few of my favorite things include peonies : flea markets : barefeet : white peaches : lillet with lime : dancing : crafting : pigmy goats : thriftstores : mac & cheese : retreats in silence : salted caramels : organized drawers : healing touch : christmastime : bali : my red cowboy boots and holding my baby's hand while he sleeps. Why maus + nugget? My husband is German. He nicknamed me maus, very early on in our relationship. The name just stuck. We nicknamed our baby nugget, while in utero. That name just stuck too. Why this blog? Because when I write I feel the most like myself. Because my other blog is on hold while I make sense of this first year of motherhood.

The lazy hold

What's with the giraffe?

She is a little plastic giraffe. She is famous.

I babysat my way through high-school, interned at a childbirth and early parenting center and even trained to be a post-partum doula, but I had never heard of her.

And then, when it was my turn to be showered with baby gifts and I sat amidst a group of my dearest women friends and I unpacked this odd looking little creature, a unanimous "Sophie" sigh came from the mouths of the moms in the room. I must have been living under a rock.

And now, she is everywhere.

And she is in fact loved - and brings a smile to the nugget's face everytime.

Eye contact

Wiped, spent, exhausted, empty

Cry it out or co-sleeping.

Another set of extremes that new parents must navigate blindly. Where is the middle ground? What does it look like? How do you get there?

I didn't really have any "nevers" during my pregnancy or even our birth - perhaps helping me to have the type of experience that I did. But I had/have a never now - I could NEVER do the cry it out sleep training method. It goes against my every cell in my body.

Okay, let me rephrase that. It went against every cell in my body.

I have not slept more than 4 hours in a row in over 5 months (the last month of preganancy doesn't really leave you with the most restful sleep). And I was one of those people who needed 8 hours of sleep to be useful and 9 meant I could be utterly delightful. So I am tired.

So tired that now I can't even get my eyes closed when I do have the opportuninty to sleep. So tired that things keep falling out of my hands. So tired that my right keeps twitching. So tired that my body feels like it has been in the heavy load cycle of the washing machine. So tired that I am ready for any solution anyone can give me...

Astronaut, ballet dancer, artist, vagabond...romance novelist? Nobody knows.

Best baby hat

There are baby hats and then there are baby hats. Somehow this little red knot hat from Kate Quinn just fit the nugget's personality, right from the start. And its the only hat that stays on and doesn't loose its shape. I will be ordering the next size when he outgrows this one.

Week 12

And then it starts - your happy, cheerful and fairly easy baby begins to whine. And you get tired - all over again. And this is a new tired, that for me brought about a level of frustration, fatigue and hopelessness that I had never experienced before.

And then someone recommended The Wonder Weeks.

And it's the only book I continue to read.

A new identity

I have driven past this sign a hundred times - on the way to Sacramento or Tahoe or anyplace reached by driving east on 80. For some reason, this time, it had a whole new significance.

Perseverance

Finally, eyeballs closed.

Not really sure how long it took, since time has become fluid. But as we lay there, I saw the irony of the situation - him fighting what I was so desperately craving. And I could have given up as he squirmed and fought back my attempts to soothe him but I had faith that if I just breathed and relaxed my own body, that he would slowly drift into slumberland. So I watched him and felt the rise and fall of his chest under the weight of my hand. At first I thought that this takes patience, but as I thought more about that word I realized that perhaps what I was learning is called perseverance...

A different kind of preparation

I wish I could help navigate all the differing opinions that are being thrown at new moms or say that it gets better, but unfortunately it is just part of having a baby. Our nugget was born 5 months ago and the opposing opinions now relate to vaccinations, solids, sleep and everything in between.

I remember when I was pregnant, just wishing someone would tell me what stroller to get, what class to take, what book to read, etc

My husband and I actually took the Mindfulness Based Childbirth Prep Class at the Osher Center and it was an incredibly beneficial class. Not really a typical childbirth prep class - but more a preparation for whatever our labor was going to look like. I can HIGHLY recommend Nancy Bardake and this class. http://www.mindfulbirthing.org/classes/MBCE_detail.html

Need I say more...

It was just one of those days.

A what?

When it comes to newborns, there are some things you need. Then there are some things you want. And then there are the things that make you go "Huh?"

And so walks in the pee-pee tee pee.

Yes, this is exactly as it sounds - a tippee shaped cone that is meant to protect from the inevitable spray of urine that can land in your eye or all over your baby is you have been blessed with a little boy.

Don't get me wrong, the first time I got sprayed I understood the mom or dad who invented this strange contraption. It is a mess but somehow it just seems like part of the whole package. So when I actually saw the package of five Smurf size teepees at a local store the other day, I had to really check them out, and laugh.

And then, today in the mail it arrived. Our very own, couture, handmade, vintage fabric, one of a kind pee-pee teepee. And I love it.



I suppose I should have used it in earnest as the nugget managed to perfect aim just now: his own eyeball. I don't know if I should be horrified or die of laughter - I suppose a bit of pee in the eye never hurt anyone.

Cradle Cap

Sometimes it just takes the advice of a mom who has been there and done that.

Some babies get the flaky yellow scales known as Cradle Cap, while others never do. And though it doesn't bother them, moms are constantly trying to figure out to get rid of it. Our pediatrician recommended Selson Blue and any kind of thick ointment. Our midwife recommended olive oil. And then, a mom recommended California Baby Calendula Cream and a tiny toothed comb.

And with some gentle picking with the comb (think shaving your legs with a razor) and then a substantial amount of cream rubbed into his scalp, after two days the scales were gone.

Wisdom to go

So I did it - today I joined the ranks of the stroller pushing, Starbucks sipping mommy brigade that frequents the area of San Francisco known as Laurel Village. I even made the obligatory stop to babyGap and Gymboree - only to realize that there is absolutely nothing the little nugget needs. I did buy an eco-friendly pacifier (just in case) and re-usable wipes at DayOne and left before the "we NEED to have this" monster set in.

I allowed myself a Chai at Starbucks though somehow it was not as indulgently satisfying as I remember - perhaps I should have gotten some frothy sort of Frappa-something and really indulged. I put the cup nicely in the holder of my Snap-N-Go stroller and back to the car we went.

Once nugget, stroller and mama were in place - and the to go cup was now nestled into the appropriate holder in my car, my eyes focused on the text on the back of the cup. And I had to stop and read it again. Here is what it said.."The irony of commitment is that it's deeply liberating - in work, in play, in love. The act frees you from the tyranny of your internal critic, from the fear that likes to dress itself up and parade around as rational hesitation. To commit is to remove your head as the barrier to your life."

It is true - we fear the constriction of commitment, what we think we must give up. But really, there is only freedom on the otherside.

What are you afraid to commit to? What's stopping you?

Moving on

I did it. Today I put away my last pair of pregnancy jeans. Actually, I was my only pair of pregnancy jeans that I probably wore everyday in the last 6 weeks of pregnancy.

For over 2 months they have been comfortable and seeing that my old clothes don't quite fit and I am not willing to but anything new, I held on to these as long as I could.

But this morning I was inspired by a post on Making it Lovely, so I followed suite - the jeans are packed away with the few other maternity pieces that I bought. Because at one point you reach this feeling - of really not wanting to associate with being pregnant. And even if your body is different and somewhat unfamiliar, and maybe not the size that you want it to me, you just can't get yourself to put on those jeans anymore.

And on that day, it is a milestone. It is simply part of this transition that is marked by turning points. And since most of the turning points in the first year belong to your baby - indulge in this one. Celebrate it. Put the jeans away and buy yourself something. No matter what size it is.

The truth

How is motherhood? everyone asks.

Something like "Great, wonderful, tiring and/or fun" is my answer depending on the day.

What I want to say is:

Look down at my feet and you'll have your answer. On the left, you see toenails in their natural state - trimmed and polish free. On the right, you see 5 little piggies painted with remnants of my last pedicure color: slowly disappearing red I am calling it. You see, I ran out of nail polish remover before getting to my right foot. That was 5 days ago.

That is how motherhood is going.

The cause and the cure

I don't think I could have said it any better -

From a new mom and new friend, her email response when I asked how she was doing after the first few weeks...

"It is quite a ride - this infant situation. I feel that Sabina is the cause and the cure. I am confused, exhausted, inspired and amazed by her all day and night long."

Because I love his hands...