Missing him

There have been birthdays without him. There have been graduations and Halloweens and final school projects without him. There have been boyfriends and girlfriends. There have been Christmas Eve's and Thanksgiving turkeys without him. There was even a wedding and a walk down the aisle without him.

But somehow, after all that, I don't want to do Christmas without him this year and it has caught me completely off guard.

It's the 10th of December and there are no bells on the door, no Christmas music streaming over iTunes in the car and at home, no advent wreath. Even my husband noticed that something is array with his Christmas loving maus. There is only sadness. There is only deep missing that my dad is not here for this very important first Christmas. He's not here and he should be here.

And I haven't felt that way in a really long time.

So, I am going to let myself be sad for as long as I need to this time. Because at some point, I will not feel so sad and I will want to go with the nugget to pick out our very first family tree. And there will be a point when I can listen to the familiar and comforting lyrics of my favorite Christmas songs and smile with joy. And there will be a point when I can look at the nugget and tell him how very much his grandpa loved this holiday and how he was the best gift giver I have ever known and how he wrote clever little names on the gift tags of the gifts he gave and how he took a bite out of the cookies we left for Nikolaus and how he sang "O Holy Night" more beautifully than any recording I have ever heard.

Until that point, I am missing him, terribly.