Wiped, spent, exhausted, empty

Cry it out or co-sleeping.

Another set of extremes that new parents must navigate blindly. Where is the middle ground? What does it look like? How do you get there?

I didn't really have any "nevers" during my pregnancy or even our birth - perhaps helping me to have the type of experience that I did. But I had/have a never now - I could NEVER do the cry it out sleep training method. It goes against my every cell in my body.

Okay, let me rephrase that. It went against every cell in my body.

I have not slept more than 4 hours in a row in over 5 months (the last month of preganancy doesn't really leave you with the most restful sleep). And I was one of those people who needed 8 hours of sleep to be useful and 9 meant I could be utterly delightful. So I am tired.

So tired that now I can't even get my eyes closed when I do have the opportuninty to sleep. So tired that things keep falling out of my hands. So tired that my right keeps twitching. So tired that my body feels like it has been in the heavy load cycle of the washing machine. So tired that I am ready for any solution anyone can give me...

Astronaut, ballet dancer, artist, vagabond...romance novelist? Nobody knows.

Best baby hat

There are baby hats and then there are baby hats. Somehow this little red knot hat from Kate Quinn just fit the nugget's personality, right from the start. And its the only hat that stays on and doesn't loose its shape. I will be ordering the next size when he outgrows this one.

Week 12

And then it starts - your happy, cheerful and fairly easy baby begins to whine. And you get tired - all over again. And this is a new tired, that for me brought about a level of frustration, fatigue and hopelessness that I had never experienced before.

And then someone recommended The Wonder Weeks.

And it's the only book I continue to read.

A new identity

I have driven past this sign a hundred times - on the way to Sacramento or Tahoe or anyplace reached by driving east on 80. For some reason, this time, it had a whole new significance.

Perseverance

Finally, eyeballs closed.

Not really sure how long it took, since time has become fluid. But as we lay there, I saw the irony of the situation - him fighting what I was so desperately craving. And I could have given up as he squirmed and fought back my attempts to soothe him but I had faith that if I just breathed and relaxed my own body, that he would slowly drift into slumberland. So I watched him and felt the rise and fall of his chest under the weight of my hand. At first I thought that this takes patience, but as I thought more about that word I realized that perhaps what I was learning is called perseverance...