Perseverance

Finally, eyeballs closed.

Not really sure how long it took, since time has become fluid. But as we lay there, I saw the irony of the situation - him fighting what I was so desperately craving. And I could have given up as he squirmed and fought back my attempts to soothe him but I had faith that if I just breathed and relaxed my own body, that he would slowly drift into slumberland. So I watched him and felt the rise and fall of his chest under the weight of my hand. At first I thought that this takes patience, but as I thought more about that word I realized that perhaps what I was learning is called perseverance...

A different kind of preparation

I wish I could help navigate all the differing opinions that are being thrown at new moms or say that it gets better, but unfortunately it is just part of having a baby. Our nugget was born 5 months ago and the opposing opinions now relate to vaccinations, solids, sleep and everything in between.

I remember when I was pregnant, just wishing someone would tell me what stroller to get, what class to take, what book to read, etc

My husband and I actually took the Mindfulness Based Childbirth Prep Class at the Osher Center and it was an incredibly beneficial class. Not really a typical childbirth prep class - but more a preparation for whatever our labor was going to look like. I can HIGHLY recommend Nancy Bardake and this class. http://www.mindfulbirthing.org/classes/MBCE_detail.html

Need I say more...

It was just one of those days.

A what?

When it comes to newborns, there are some things you need. Then there are some things you want. And then there are the things that make you go "Huh?"

And so walks in the pee-pee tee pee.

Yes, this is exactly as it sounds - a tippee shaped cone that is meant to protect from the inevitable spray of urine that can land in your eye or all over your baby is you have been blessed with a little boy.

Don't get me wrong, the first time I got sprayed I understood the mom or dad who invented this strange contraption. It is a mess but somehow it just seems like part of the whole package. So when I actually saw the package of five Smurf size teepees at a local store the other day, I had to really check them out, and laugh.

And then, today in the mail it arrived. Our very own, couture, handmade, vintage fabric, one of a kind pee-pee teepee. And I love it.



I suppose I should have used it in earnest as the nugget managed to perfect aim just now: his own eyeball. I don't know if I should be horrified or die of laughter - I suppose a bit of pee in the eye never hurt anyone.

Cradle Cap

Sometimes it just takes the advice of a mom who has been there and done that.

Some babies get the flaky yellow scales known as Cradle Cap, while others never do. And though it doesn't bother them, moms are constantly trying to figure out to get rid of it. Our pediatrician recommended Selson Blue and any kind of thick ointment. Our midwife recommended olive oil. And then, a mom recommended California Baby Calendula Cream and a tiny toothed comb.

And with some gentle picking with the comb (think shaving your legs with a razor) and then a substantial amount of cream rubbed into his scalp, after two days the scales were gone.

Wisdom to go

So I did it - today I joined the ranks of the stroller pushing, Starbucks sipping mommy brigade that frequents the area of San Francisco known as Laurel Village. I even made the obligatory stop to babyGap and Gymboree - only to realize that there is absolutely nothing the little nugget needs. I did buy an eco-friendly pacifier (just in case) and re-usable wipes at DayOne and left before the "we NEED to have this" monster set in.

I allowed myself a Chai at Starbucks though somehow it was not as indulgently satisfying as I remember - perhaps I should have gotten some frothy sort of Frappa-something and really indulged. I put the cup nicely in the holder of my Snap-N-Go stroller and back to the car we went.

Once nugget, stroller and mama were in place - and the to go cup was now nestled into the appropriate holder in my car, my eyes focused on the text on the back of the cup. And I had to stop and read it again. Here is what it said.."The irony of commitment is that it's deeply liberating - in work, in play, in love. The act frees you from the tyranny of your internal critic, from the fear that likes to dress itself up and parade around as rational hesitation. To commit is to remove your head as the barrier to your life."

It is true - we fear the constriction of commitment, what we think we must give up. But really, there is only freedom on the otherside.

What are you afraid to commit to? What's stopping you?

Moving on

I did it. Today I put away my last pair of pregnancy jeans. Actually, I was my only pair of pregnancy jeans that I probably wore everyday in the last 6 weeks of pregnancy.

For over 2 months they have been comfortable and seeing that my old clothes don't quite fit and I am not willing to but anything new, I held on to these as long as I could.

But this morning I was inspired by a post on Making it Lovely, so I followed suite - the jeans are packed away with the few other maternity pieces that I bought. Because at one point you reach this feeling - of really not wanting to associate with being pregnant. And even if your body is different and somewhat unfamiliar, and maybe not the size that you want it to me, you just can't get yourself to put on those jeans anymore.

And on that day, it is a milestone. It is simply part of this transition that is marked by turning points. And since most of the turning points in the first year belong to your baby - indulge in this one. Celebrate it. Put the jeans away and buy yourself something. No matter what size it is.

The truth

How is motherhood? everyone asks.

Something like "Great, wonderful, tiring and/or fun" is my answer depending on the day.

What I want to say is:

Look down at my feet and you'll have your answer. On the left, you see toenails in their natural state - trimmed and polish free. On the right, you see 5 little piggies painted with remnants of my last pedicure color: slowly disappearing red I am calling it. You see, I ran out of nail polish remover before getting to my right foot. That was 5 days ago.

That is how motherhood is going.

The cause and the cure

I don't think I could have said it any better -

From a new mom and new friend, her email response when I asked how she was doing after the first few weeks...

"It is quite a ride - this infant situation. I feel that Sabina is the cause and the cure. I am confused, exhausted, inspired and amazed by her all day and night long."

Because I love his hands...

This says it all

image from thefunhunt.blogspot.com/

{written on april 24th}

Really, this just says it all. I know new parents are tired - it is part of the package. But it really isn't until you experience it yourself that you realize what it really feels like. I was one of those people who NEEDED 8 hours of continuous sleep - 9 would even be better. And now, it has been exactly 33 days since my last 8 hour stretch of sleep and though I feel I shouldn't operate heavy machinery or make major financial decisions, the foggy haze is partly blissful, partly delirious and partly tolerable. In fact, it is becoming normal. So yes, someday I suppose I will sleep 8 hours again, but for now I am so ever grateful for the 2 hours I can indulge in as my perfect little nugget dozes into slumber land to the rythmic glide of the world's greatest invention: the mechanical swing.

Sweet dreams.

One of my favorite photos

The sweet spot

Somewhere in between seasonal/local/organic and the yellow can of Velveeta spray cheese is the best that I can do. Somewhere between 8 glasses of water and total dehydration is the best that I can do. Somewhere between 30 minutes of meditation a day or an extra 30 minutes of sleep is the best that I can do. This new role as mother is making me hyper aware of that sweet spot that lies in between the polar opposites - that sweet spot that I will call the "best that I can do" for it is only with total exhaustion that one realizes the insanity that we drive ourselves to - the insanity of perfection, of getting it right, or doing the noble and righteous thing. When really, I can only do the best that I can do.

The gracious women of my women's circle have been delivering food since Kirian arrived, each taking a turn to visit and gift us with delicious morsels. What stood out was this - "I am so sorry - it's not homemade. I bought it, okay." Spoken with a sheepish tone of resignation and perhaps a bit of guilt. But why? We put this pressure on ourselves to work hard and then still somehow find time to prepare a roast and scalloped potatoes.

So women, we have loved the quinoa chili, the chinese chicken salad, the sliced cheese and cold-cuts for sandwhiches, the stuffed peppers from Whole Foods and we love you for loving us enough to take care of us. For in the end, it is all about the time and energy you give to others - not the ingredients. As my friend Jen said today - "I know why moms buy pre-sliced cheese - because they don't have the time or the free hand to actually cut it". So women, by kind to yourselves, give yourselves a break and buy the sliced cheese.

maus + nugget

Born at home

And still after 6 months, I have yet to sit down and write our story.

So please, be patient with me...

Project Baby

Really, all babies need is you. But in addition to you, your attention and presence, there are certain modern inventions that have become necessities or at least extremely helpful for new parents.

As my due date seemed to get closer and closer, I could feel the pressure of wanting to feel ready or prepared - somewhat of an illusion since I had absolutely no idea what was headed my way. But somehow having the right diapers, a few clothes and a Boppy made me think i was ready for anything.

I could feel myself getting all overwhelmed by the choices, so instead of going to Babies'R'Us and relying on the young employees there who have no idea, I simply asked 10 of my favorite moms (who are also my close friends) for their 10 lists - the things they wish they had or had that made all the difference. I asked them to include manufacturer or brand - why reinvent the wheel and make life harder - if something works, just go for it.

This list is made of the top 1o lists I received - when an item or brand was listed at least 5 times, I figured I couldn't go wrong. (I have added my 2 cents on favorite brands now that I am on the other side.)

Stuff for baby

Revised February 1, 2012 - after welcoming baby number 2 and doing it all over again

For baby

1. Graco Snug Ride Infant Carseat

2. Snap N Go stroller (to go with Infant carseat until you figure out what stroller you need)

3. Ergo Baby Carrier with infant insert

4. Boppy Breastfeeding Pillow (whether you are breast or bottle feeding)

5. Hat (knot hat from Kate Quinn is the best)

6. Miracle Swaddle Blanket or Swaddle Me Swaddler
7. Aden + Anais Swaddle Blankets (you can use these for everything!)

8. Dresser or storage unit w/changing pad

9. California Baby products

10. Onesies from Carters (long and short sleeve)
11. Sleep gowns (about 5-7 of them) and the footed one piece outfits from Baby Gap (save the cute clothes for after 3 months, maybe even 6)

12. Rocker or Glider

13. Diapers - Pampers Newborn (until you decide on cloth or disposable) and Huggies Nighttime (this is a trick to help sleep through the night)

For mom
1. Medela Pump-N-Style Breastpump and Lansinoh milk freezer storage bag
2. Sitz bath herbs (for mama), available at Scarlet Sage in San Francisco

Okay so it turned into 13 items, but I figured that in some circles that is considered lucky. So that is what I bought - no more, no less. The rest shall we say, you figure out one day at a time.

It was one of the perfect spring days in San Francisco - and this was the day that I joined a very pregnant group of women to walk the labrynth in front of the great towers of Grace Cathedral.

In a maze, there is the potential to get lost and confused - to take the wrong turn and end up at a dead end. But with a labrymth, there is only the path - the right path, that unfolds with each step and will present itself if you trust and simply follow. This is a beautiful metaphor for birth - for the process will reveal itself and it is our duty to listen, pay attention and simply follow the path that presents itself to us.

And so we walked.

Slowly and together - mindful of our feet on the pavement, mindful of the women ahead of us and behind us, mindful of the birds, the gentle breeze, mindful of the construction workers enjoying their lunch in the warmth of the sunshine, mindful of the bursting little boys bursting with energy as they walked to their next class.

And, it was all as it should have been - a perfect snapshot of life, with it's noises, laughter, distractions and imperfections.

Yes, I think she is great. I do.

And she has done it again - this time with GOOP, a lifestyle site for everything from hotels in Barcelona to adrenal fatigue.

And it's just really fun to read.

I've always wanted to buy an old truck and cross the United States - visiting every possible local flea market that I could find. In preparation for this "trip", I have this pile of magazine clippings about the best flea markets, and instead of keeping more paper, I am just going to start a list here...

Illinois

Kane County Flea Market

Massachuettes

Brimfield Antiques + Collectibles Show

New York

The Antiques Garage

Pennsylvania

Rennigers

Texas

First Monday Trade Days

US Flea Market Directory: A Guide to the Best Flea Markets in All 50 Statesby Albert LaFarge

Pictures from a very old Lucky magazine

It's Sunday morning - the first Sunday of the month and that means the Alameda Flea Market is taking place. All week I was thinking of right now - walking through the stalls, searching for treasures. But yesterday, as the rain was streaming from the heavens and I was cleaning up, I realized how many unfinished "projects" are sitting all around me - the paint chipped dresser, the dresser for baby in the trunk of our car, the box of "needs sewing", unframed artwork. So, instead of adding, which inevitably happens when I go to Alameda, I stayed put. But I am dreaming of the first Sunday of December...