maus + nugget

Happy 1st Birthday Nugget

2010-03-22T23:27:00.000-07:00

Mama maus made her first homemade cupcakes (with a help from Tio Peter) and the nugget ate his first candle. Yes, candle - frosting and sweet cupcakes weren't that exciting it seems.

But the weather was perfect, the birthday hat stayed on (thank you Leigh!), the company was a delight and the pit of balls was a hit with all the other little kiddies at Duboce Park.

So there we have it - our little baby is officially a toddler and my first year of motherhood has come to an end. But like so many things, this end is not final, for mothering and growing and learning and questioning and just doing the best that I can continues.

For now, it is time to rest, regroup and recharge. Stay tuned for where maus and nugget go next...

At this time

2010-03-22T00:53:00.001-07:00

It's 12:17am.

At this time, exactly a year ago, I was trying to get some sleep.
At this time, exactly a year ago, I was having my first significant contractions.
At this time, exactly a year ago, I had no idea that in less than 10 hours I would give birth in a tub in our living room.
At this time, exactly a year ago, I didn't know if I was having a boy or a girl.
At this time, exactly a year ago, I was in the process of becoming somebody's mother.

The Perfect Imperfection

2010-03-21T20:20:00.000-07:00

One of the greatest lessons of motherhood is learning non-attachment.

Non-attachment to schedules and things how they used to be, non-attachment to being on time or keeping commitments, non-attachment to how things should be.

Many months ago I committed to reading one chapter of Momma Zen every Sunday. i figured with chapters that are sometimes only a few pages long, this would be more than doable. But here I am, months later, and I am still only on Chapter 6. 4 pages in 4 months - that is almost laughable. No, it is simply motherhood.

But it is Sunday and I have read my chapter (for the 2nd time) and this one is important. They are all important, but this is really important because its about making making mistakes.

I have always wanted to do things right - who doesn't? But it is one thing to do things right for yourself, it is a whole other animal to do things right for your baby. And it starts with pre-natal vitamins and perhaps ends never. And with all the information and with all the choices, we think that if we do enough research, ask the right questions and make the right decisions, we will do what is right and perfect for our babies.

Until we make a mistake. Until they fall down the stairs because we left the gate open. Until they cry because the bite of sweet potato we gave was too hot. Until we lock them in the car with the motor running because we are doing too many things as the same time.

And so I made mistakes. I probably made a lot of them as a new mom. And I may never know the consequences of those mistakes, but I have to trust that they are as much a part of the nugget's learning experiences as my triumphs. I am not a perfect mom or wife or friend or daughter or sister and hopefully I can accept the imperfections of those around me. Karen Maezen Miller writes, "Practice acceptance on yourself so that you can be kinder to your child." Isn't that what we want, to be kind to our children? And yes, it begins with accepting ourselves, all parts of ourselves - the parts that we love and the parts that we wish could be different. The parts that take 4 months to read 4 pages and the parts that say one thing and do another.

Practice acceptance for all that is, exactly the way it is.

Happy Birthday to the lion!

2010-03-20T20:36:00.000-07:00

A birthday chorus, a delicious carrot cake cupcake and his first old school baseball cap - a couldn't have imagined a better 1st birthday for the 2nd musketeer.

Feeling better

2010-03-19T23:58:00.000-07:00

He's back.

I guess that is the miracle of modern medicine, that after 24 hours and a couple of teaspoons of the pink stuff, our curious K is back, with smiles, babbles and an extremely delayed bedtime.

For the last two days, he's been a bit subdued and gentle, sleeping like a bear during the day, every few hours and then falling asleep by 6:30pm only to make noise again at 8am the next morning. And really, I have enjoyed every snoozing minute. I soaked in every minute of rocking in the glider with a stuffy nosed nugget dosing in my arms and even the time spent in the pediatrician's office with a very unhappy baby snuggled and asleep on my lap.

I am glad he is feeling better. And I am really glad that his fever is gone. And I fear, all that deep sleep may just be over. But we'll just have to wait and see.

First Bottle of Pink Stuff

2010-03-18T13:26:00.000-07:00

With 100.8 fever and a runny nose and cough that have been around for over 15 days, I figured it was time again to go to the pediatrician.

And as I guessed, this time, the nugget ears don't look normal.

So, the nugget officially has his first ear infection and we have our first bottle of pink stuff in the refrigerator. I knew it would happen and though it is not my intention to jump to antibiotics with every new sickness, this little baby needs something.

And besides, who wants to turn 1 and feel so crummy?

Green

2010-03-17T21:44:00.000-07:00

It just so happens that today is St. Patrick's Day. We should have celebrated - not only because we should celebrate our good luck everyday, but because it's our papa's namesake day. That makes it his day and its special. But instead, he is fighting the miserable cold that the nugget and I sadly gave him as a welcome home gift.

Instead of green beer, green baubles and other green oddities, we ate potato leek soup, put a tired nugget to sleep at quarter to seven, watched a recorded episode of last night's Lost and will probably be asleep by quarter past ten.

And that is how these new parents celebrated this St. Patrick's Day.

Mamarestore

2010-03-16T21:51:00.000-07:00

75 minutes, 4 poses, 2 bolsters, 2 blocks, 2 blankets and one eye pillow equals one totally relaxed and happy mama.

If you've never done restorative yoga, try it. It's the anti-doing and when we are rushing and doing and doing some more, we forget to breathe and then we forget to pay attention and then life flies by and then we say things like "I don't know where the time has gone."

But after class, time still keeps going and life still keeps going, but I am there for all of it. Really there.

Day 358 of being a new mom

2010-03-15T21:59:00.000-07:00

It's official - there are exactly 7 days left of my first year of motherhood. And it has me thinking about what this year has been about and how I have changed and what I have felt and what I have thought about and what I have learned and what is still to come and what I still don't know.

So what does it mean - this motherhood thing? What does it mean to you?

Squeaky Clean

2010-03-15T21:05:00.000-07:00

There was sand everywhere. Up his nose, behind his ears and between his toes.

But that is simply what happens when you play with the big boys, in the sandbox all afternoon long.

First mouthful of sand

2010-03-15T15:01:00.000-07:00

I figured he would try it, hate it and then be done with it.

Seems the texture and test of our local sandbox doesn't bother the nugget. The other moms just laughed and said, "Oooh, just wait until it comes out the other end."

Really. Is this really what motherhood is all about?

In warm water

2010-03-13T16:39:00.000-08:00

Sometimes it takes someone like Gisele Bundchen to talk about water birth and meditation and mindfulness in childbirth in Vogue magazine.

Sometimes it takes more stories like this to tell more people about what birth can look like.

Sometimes it takes just one beautiful and peaceful birth story to create another beautiful and peaceful birth story.

Sometimes its just nice to be reminded that there are all kinds of choices.

Sometimes its just cool to read about a home birth when you least expect it.

Happy Birthday to our little bee!

2010-03-13T14:53:00.000-08:00

Frosting the hair, cake in the mouth, a perfect spring dress, a room full of adoring fans and mama and papa beaming with joy.

Don't think there was a better way to celebrate our first musketeer turning one.

Happy Birthday Sabina!

Girltalk

2010-03-11T22:31:00.000-08:00

"Everyone is asleep and mama is having a root beer float."

You know when a conversation with one of your favorite people in the world starts like this, that its going to be one of those conversations. You know, those ones that last for over an hour, without any awkward silent moments or superfluous "Soooos" that only comes to an end when a little tiny lady nugget makes noises reminding her mama that its time for a dreamfeed. Her little noises were the unspoken sign to quickly and without much thought find the end of our train of words and softly say "Talk to you soon."

So to my dear friend, up in Portland, thank you for reminding me that this first year of motherhood can indeed be one of transformation and transition and total mind blowing self-actualization. And that all sleeping and nursing and feeding and picking up out of the crib rules are out when it comes to sick babies. And that enjoying when your husband is gone is really more than okay. And that the girls weekend really just needs to be the girls weekend. And that root beer floats and chats with girlfriends from LBBH (life before babies and husbands) will always make everything better.

First wave

2010-03-10T23:11:00.000-08:00

You can't always catch the firsts on film. In fact, I don't really think you ever get to catch the firsts because they just happen and you are inevitability always standing there, totally unprepared with a dead battery or a full memory card.

So kudos to you who capture the firsts.

I didn't capture the first wave - in fact I couldn't have. But I saw it - how he thought, he connected, and then his little tiny hand let me know he was saying goodbye.

This first, as with most of them, is just the beginning. And I may just be able to capture his repeat performance.

Dr. Mom

2010-03-08T20:30:00.000-08:00

Image of Dr. Mom Essential Oil Kit from doterra

It is true, for my own health and well being I will choose an extra dose of Vitamin C, sinus cleansing with my clay Netti pot and good old fashioned sleep to fight off any ailment that comes my way. Will even used essential oils, acupuncture and homeopathy now and again. Antibiotics are always the last resort. I take a similar approach with the health of the nugget - but as he was nearing week three of this roller coaster of a cold and his disposition yesterday changed to almost unrecognizable, I decided today that it was time to head to the pediatrician and see if it was time to introduce the nugget to the world of pharmaceuticals.

I don't love our pediatrician. The whole office does an okay job - but it is never more than that. As for our actual pediatrician, he does a fine job but I never get the feeling that he actually remembers who were are. Maybe its because aside from the well baby visits, he never sees us or hears from me. But, my list of to-do's is long enough, so for now we will stay put. I figure he didn't give us trouble for bringing the nugget to the world at home or choosing a spread out vaccination schedule - what more could you ask for.

I knew today that we would get a resident, since our only option for today was the drop-in hours. And so, we waited. Me and the nugget - in the small, uninspiring room with the fluorescent light. And the most amazing thing happened - instead of janking the tissue from the exam table, or pulling on the dangling cords, he sat in my lap. No movement, no sounds. And as I gently hummed the tone of "Guten Abend, Gute Nacht", I could feel his body get even heavier. And then, he just simply fell asleep. Heavy and warm, his little body curled perfectly into the shape of my right arm. Really, this just tells you how very sick and uncomfortable the little guy was. It was only the sound of my own hacking cough that startled him back into consciousness, just minutes before the doctor gently knocked at the door.

After some poking and listening and palpating, it seems that he has a virus - an unknown, unidentifiable virus that is crawling through every household, school and public facility in San Francisco and the Greater Bay Area. And it would seem the cure is just some old fashioned TLC. Prescription: a humidifier, warm liquids, baby Tylenol when needed and patience. I guess we'll save our first bottle of pink goo for next time.

The harder part of this latest germ revival is that it has gotten me. And though I have been sick recently, this is different. And it is different too, because I am all alone. We couldn't have predicted that I would get sick while our papa is away so there is nothing we could have done differently - but really, this just plain sucks.

Because what do you so when Dr. Mom is sick?

Being that mom

2010-03-07T22:15:00.000-08:00

A few weeks ago, we (the three of us) were at our first real birthday party - you know, the kind with a few big kids, even more adults and a table full of edible finger foods. It was lovely and we were all having a good time and then, it arrived - the nastiest, greenest, runniest nose I have ever seen.

I kept my horrified reaction to myself, tried to put myself in his mom's shoes and tried to remain pleasant. And then I at one point I was able to actually step out of myself, see my not so pleasant reaction and some how find my "relaxed, laid back, no big deal attitude." Until we got into the car. Oh my lord. I felt like someone had just unleashed the queen of all character judgement and damnation - I had no idea I had it in me. It went something like this:

"Isn't there some unwritten rule in the code of parenting that you keep green snot away from birthday parties. I mean, what was she thinking. She wasn't thinking - she just wanted to be at the party. No respect for other people." There may have been some additional 4 letter words, but you get my idea. My loving and smart husband agreed completely - and that was all I needed I put out the fire. Or so I thought.

Inevitably, 2 days later - I had a green goo sighting on the nugget.

I quietly cursed her but somehow tried to access my non-judging mind. Nearly impossible as I tried to keep the germs from spreading to my husband who was about to fly to Thailand in a few days. Don't know if it hit him sometime during his retreat, but will find out shortly.

Finally, the nugget was drip free last week and on Wednesday we went to visit our first parent-led pre-preschool play group. And there, sitting delightfully at the snack table was green goo monster #2 - unconscouis;y spreading the love. Great, not again. I mean really - how hard is it to say "We're sick and a can't make it." Our time there was limited as was our contact, so I just prayed. We've been sick, I thought - it can't get us again.

So Friday comes along 2 days later and the nugget and I have a swim class to make-up. Not more than 15 minutes into the class, a dad with his curly haired little girl of no more than 6 months, joins the class late. I look towards her and let's just say her supply of green goo beat them all. And what takes the cake, is that with one quick jerk of his hand, it was gone without a trace, cleaned off by the chlorinated water we were swimming in. I wanted to bolt.

Swim class really???? Don't people know that green means infection? Don't people know that swimming with a cold is really not that good of an idea? Don't people think about other people?

Now, you may be thinking that I am extremely harsh and that kids are always sick and you can't blame the parents. And that I should be so lucky to be in a situation that I can stay home if the nugget is sick, but I am not talking about school or daycare or riding the bus - situations where a runny nose is just part of the reality. I am talking about optional activities like birthday parties and swim class. It simply would have meant being the adult and changing plans. I know, you are thinking, just wait until its your turn.

Well today, it was my turn. Because as I had feared, the green goo is back and with a vengeance this time. The nugget is a cranky, clingy, watery-eyed, stuffy nosed, coughing little man and I am right there with him. We are quite a team.

And today, as irony would have it, we had a birthday party planned that I was really looking forward to, actually really looking forward to.

But instead I had to be the adult, had to be the mom who knew the potential consequences. So the nugget and I stayed home and missed an important 1st birthday. And yes, being that mom sometimes sucks.

Going backwards

2010-03-06T16:05:00.000-08:00

My first year of motherhood is slowly coming to an end and I still feel like there is so much that I haven't said or haven't shared. What I have learned is that there is not lack of content, but rather the lack of time and energy to really process it all.

That is why if you were to see the back-end of this blog you would see drafts of posted started. They sit there in the lists of posts and every time I see them, I think "Oh yeah, I really wanted to talk about that...and maybe I still do." And since this blog is just as much a chronicle for me to remember the first 365 days of the nugget's life, I am going to spend this weekend finishing what I started.

It is true that writing in hindsight may be different than if I had actually written on that very day - but it will simply feel more like story telling. And this is a story I want to remember. So be patient with me and allow me this looking back.

Missing him

2010-03-05T20:24:00.000-08:00

our wedding day, 06.03.06

We miss him. Okay, I miss him. I am not sure how much an 11 month old can actually understand someone not being there - but in my heart that look of overzealous bliss that happened around 6pm every night when the front door opened was there waiting for the few first days after his dad left.

It's Friday night and the novelty of being solo is beginning to wear off. And we still have another week to go. Our apartment can't really get any cleaner, I have already re-arranged the whole living room and our taxes are sort of being worked on. I will say, I have been extremely productive in his absence.

But today, on the way home from swim class, I drove along the rugged edge of the Pacific Ocean and watched as the spray of mist curled together with the gusting wind which formed a kind of film over the view outside the front of the car window. Short glances into the rear view mirror showed a completely conked out little baby boy - who was heavily resting his sleeping head on the side of his car seat. And then, when it rested into my awareness and I took a deep breath, I started to cry.

I think the hardest part is the extremeness of the distance - not just the geographical distance, but the complete lack of communication. No text messages, no Skype, no emails, no voice mails - nada, for 11 days.

And so, as with anything that can become more painful or uncomfortable when we add the torment of emotion to it, I am going to turn off the computer, light some candles and do my own meditation. Then, I will find some really girly music, maybe even have a grown up-beverage and baby proof the kitchen drawers.

And so looks the life of a temporarily single mom.

Tops and valves and parts, oh my

2010-03-05T10:52:00.000-08:00

Bottles come with an immense amount of pieces. Maybe that's part of the reason that I barely ever used them. Yes, breastfeeding is much much simpler in this regard.

And sippy cups are not much better - everything has got a bottom and a top and a valve and a cover for to go. And for 11 months, I have been moving this stuff around our kitchen, from one cabinet and drawer to another, trying to figure out where it should go.

Finally, I think I have the answer. I had to take the top basket off of this set of three, but I must say, I love this. Wish I had thought of it earlier.

Be inspired

2010-03-04T22:21:00.000-08:00

image from loving.living.small

It's 10:21pm and I should be going to bed. I should be going to bed because I have been staying up way too long doing god knows what for the last few nights and before long a little nugget is going to make himself heard and since I am solo right now there is no one to soothe his sadness but me. But I am inspired. I am really inspired.

I am inspired because tonight I was a city dwelling, non-mama adult for a few hours in a really cool, hidden San Francisco gem. Amidst a delightful gaggle of designing women, tech savvy young men and a bunch of authentically pleasant, engaging, creative and artistically well dressed people, I sat and listened to a panel of blog "experts" talk about everything from the time it takes to post to etiquette to "you would not believe who I ended up meeting through my blog." And all of this took place in one of those truly devine San Francisco locals. Tucked away unobtrusively in one of those "I know it's South of Market somewhere" alley streets, the Barrel House is rustic and real and earthy and totally cool.

The evening was called BlogOutLoud 5 - and I am just really happy that I rsvp'd, got a babysitter, put on some lipgloss and went. And what is even better, is that I had calling cards with me that I had printed yesterday. And on top of that, I actually introduced myself to 3 people. Don't laugh - for me, that is huge.

As for the discussion, yes, it was informative. Yes, I left with a few technical things to look into. Yes, it was inspiring to hear how a small list of subscribers could and will grow (if you aren't a subscriber - please, sign up!). But really what got into my veins and is still stirring now 2 hours later is that I was in a room with people who love what they do.

Have you ever felt that? That energy that effortlessly bubbles to the surface when you speak to someone who is doing exactly what they are meant to be doing. It doesn't happen that often, but somehow tonight, the space was buzzing with the energy of passion and forward momentum.

Be your bliss, I say - or at least, start blogging about it.

Just imagine

2010-03-03T23:18:00.000-08:00

Nursing room in Great World City, Singapore

This is not what the Mother's Room looks like at BabiesRUs, but just imagine our department stores had rooms that looked like this?

I had to go to BabiesRUs today. I say had to because it is my absolute last resort - always - but when the nugget realized that he could pull out the plastic protector doodads that I so effectively put into all of our exposed electrical outlets, I knew I needed a better solution, fast. And sadly, in the city of San Francisco, my only option was to drive across the Golden Gate Bridge and head to the smelling of plastic, fluorescent bulb lit superstore.

It was my last stop before heading home, so I had already pushed the nugget to his limits. It was already ten after six and he hadn't eaten dinner and the tiredness was starting to pull at his eyelids. I asked him to spare me 10 more minutes and then I would get him home as soon as possible. I found my "nugget safe" outlet covers, grabbed a few bags of toddler finger foods and a pouch of some sort of organic freeze dried something, paid with the friendly yet oddly placed older Indian gentleman at the counter and then sheepishly asked. "You still have the breastfeeding room, right?

This is their one saving grace - this quiet, clean and non-descript room. The white billowy upholstered glider called me, almost magically and when I turned to sit, it was farther down than I expected. Me, plus the nugget and my purse and the newly acquired plastic bag fell into the chair and it caught us - my body relaxing immediately. It was like sitting in a cloud. If there is a baby number 2, I am sooo getting a chair like this, I thought to myself. I looked at the nug, he looked at me, I got him in position and I as started to lift out my boob he made this sound - like a fusion of "ah ha" and "yup". Sort of a high pitched "hup" and then feverishly went to town, eyes rolling back in his head. Guess he was hungry.

Once he finished, it had been my intention to eat and go but as soon as I perched the nugget into my lap, we didn't seem to be in a hurry anymore. I gave him the pouch of goodies I had just bought and helped him rip into it. There he sat, sort of to the right side, facing me, feverishly devouring the freeze dried apple cubes, while rhythmically spitting out the heart shaped puffs of grain that accompanied them. Tiny little fingers navigating the opening of the pouch and with such detail, picking at each small morsel. And then, with the same attentiveness the piece landed on his tiny little lips and then his hand was already reaching for the next one. Over and over again. His body felt like an extension of mine - I was not sure where mine stopped and his started. It was as if we had been sitting together in this chair forever.

I don't know how long we sat there.

When he had sufficiently emptied most of the pouch onto our laps and had more than 5 sucked on, spit out puffs attached to the top of his onesie, I figured it was time to head home. I cleaned up the mess, pocketed the parenting magazine I had started to read and wiped our hands with the last remaining dried out wipes.

I left BabiesRUs for the first time ever, with a huge smile on my face and a contentment that only comes from truly being in the present moment.

I found him...

2010-03-02T23:39:00.000-08:00

I have been searching.

I have been searching long for the perfect piggy bank for the nugget. From etsy to ebay to the flea market to my local goodwill store. Somehow I had it in my head that I would find the perfect vintage, well loved, modern yet rustic non-piggy piggy bank. Should not have been this hard.

I found him - on ebay. And I bid and I waited and I hoped and then I didn't win - by 50 cents. So then, I went a little crazy. I emailed the seller - letting them know I was interested should something fall through with the sale. I can't believe I just admitted that.

Knowing he was from Pottery Barn Kids, I madly searched online and googled his name over and over. Nothing. I found a link to an article from 2008 that mentioned the modern nursery additions. Great 2008.

But I kept at it. I mean I had the time - my husband is across the world sleeping on a bed of concrete and meditating all day that leaves me with lots of free time once the nugget is sleeping. Yes, I kept at it. And then another link - this google search engine thing is amazing. This time it was to the blog from plum tree studio which I will now need to add to my list of blogs to read - it is darling. And there in one of her posts - was the giraffe version, with a date from last week. That meant, I had a chance. I called the local store, and yes in fact, they had one, new in box, just for me. Or I guess for the nugget, but let's be real - this stuff is never really for them.

And, I should have you know, that shortly after hearing the overzealous PB employee ask for my name and number, I checked my inbox and would you believe I had gotten a response from the ebay seller saying they had another one for sale and I should respond back if I wanted it listed. I realized in reading this how slightly "over the top" I had gone and sat back in my chair and took a deep breath. I figure, I never get this crazy over stuff...I won't be too hard on myself this time.

The irony is that this little fellow came from Pottery Barn Kids - as un-vintagey as it gets. But I think he was meant to be ours. Sometimes you don't get to choose who you fall in love with.

A clever trick

2010-03-01T12:05:00.000-08:00

There needs to be a new word for baby proofing. Making your house baby safe doesn't cut it either. I have put up a gate at the stairs and put plastic doodads in the wall outlets, covered a few really terrible tile corners with some sort of clear puffy plastic and even enclosed our desk space and made it the "grown-up pit", but the rest I am doing as he dictates.

And really, I want him to explore his environment - its his house too.

So that is when I started to think about how I could actually shape our environment to be less risk free but also more engaging. I have been trying to figure out what to do with these black and white animal postcards from wee gallery and I finally hit the nail on the head.

A few pieces of self-sticking velcro, 6 adult friendly images of woodland creatures and just the right height makes the wall into a game. The nugget walked up to it the first time, stuck his squishy little digits right behind the image and with one pull, it was on the ground. Over and over again, one after the other. I stuck them back up, he pulled them off.

Right now I think its the sound of the velcro that is kind of fun. We'll work on the actual animal names next.

Spring forward

2010-02-28T09:04:00.000-08:00

image from realsimple.com

Ohhh the time change. More light, warmer weather, oh wait, we're in San Francisco - but it does mean more light. And it means its almost spring. And that should just make everyone happy.

But it also means we loose an hour on Sunday March 14th and it usually takes me a week to start feeling normal again. I thinking it will affect the nugget similarly.

So I figured I would share the info that sleep consultant Angelique Millete shared with her clients in her e-newsletter with all of you...maybe there is a tidbit of info that might just make springing forward a little bit easier, on everyone.

from the e-newsletter of Angelique Millete

You can help your baby/toddler by starting to adjust ahead of the time change on Sunday. Starting Tuesday night (March 9th) begin to put baby down 10 minutes earlier for bed. You can do this by comforting, singing or reading, and/or starting the bedtime ritual/routine 10 minutes earlier. Do this for the rest of the week, so when the time change does happen, your baby or toddler will have slowly adjusted to the new time.

If your baby/toddler’s bedtime is 7pm, it will look like this:

Tues. 6:50pm bedtime
Wed. 6:40pm bedtime
Thurs. 6:30pm bedtime
Fri. 6:20pm bedtime
Sat. 6:10pm bedtime
Sun. 7pm bedtime (new time- old time will be 6pm)

Also, if your baby or toddler has been going to bed early (for example 6pm) and waking up early (5am) you can use the time change to help move your baby or toddler's schedule to a little later in the day. Rather than following the proposed early bedtime schedule suggested above, stick to your bedtime on Sunday night (old time of 6pm), which will now be the new time (7pm). If you use this approach to shift the schedule later, keep in mind that you baby or toddler may be a little more tired the first few nights, especially at Sunday night's bedtime.

It takes about a week for baby/toddler to adjust to the new time. Your little one may be a bit cranky, or seem more tired then usual. Stick to your routine, and keep the day time naps the same time. And enjoy the longer days exploring and playing with your little one.

Sleep well everyone.

Hearing loss

2010-02-27T20:00:00.000-08:00

image from esquire.com

I went to my first official preschool open house today.

I was surprised at how many children were there. Not sure why - I mean hello Alex, it is a preschool.

I think what it was that there was in imbalance of visiting families to attending families (whose kids go to the preschool), plus their siblings - so it seemed like utter chaos. Well, maybe controlled chaos. Where there are usually only 12 children there were now 20 something, from 10 months to 6 years.

I lasted an hour. I listened and asked a few questions, met some people. But then, just like that my meter was up - I had to leave. And when I got outside, I realized, it was the noise.

I think this is why we don't give birth to 3 year olds - we need time to loose our hearing.

Champagne + Cupcakes

2010-02-26T20:42:00.000-08:00

In less than a month, the nugget is turning one. And up until a month ago, I was anti-birthday party. Not anti-celebrating this amazing tiny person or his wonderful birth or me for that matter, but anti the over-the-top, really-just-for-the-adults-party that you often get invited to. But then, as the party invitations started to come our way from other little nuggets who are turning one around the same time, I started to think "The nugg should have a party too."

So, we decided on champagne and cupcakes, at the park, with a just a handful of our favorite people, his and ours.

But here's the thing, I don't bake. My mom doesn't bake. I think I made her feel really bad one year about the fact that I never received a box of homemade cookies while I was away at college or a homemade birthday cake for that matter. She must have taken that to heart because for my 21st birthday she appeared with a carrot cake, de la casa, made all by herself. Anyway, I too assumed I would just head to one of the many cupcake bakeries in here in San Francisco, pick out a few and that would be the end of it.

And then, as I was perusing the pages of the new Small, there on the page was this sweetly perfect little cupcake. It is a creation of Cheryl Pooro's whose blog is nothing less than an inspiration to get out the mixing bowls and the measuring cups.

So I am inspired to make the nugget's 1st birthday cupcake. And if all else fails, my brother who is magic in the kitchen will be there to back-me up. I will let you know how it turns out.

Pressing pause

2010-02-25T21:44:00.000-08:00

When life gets too loud or too fast or too much, I am learning to press pause.

My husband left last night for a trip that will last over 14 days - 10 of which he will spend in silence, rising at 4am, sitting in meditation and getting re-acquainted with the sound of the bell that dictated our actions when we did this same retreat together in 2008. This is the longest we have ever been apart - this is the longest he will be away from the nugget.

When we told most people that he was going back to Thailand, most responded with support, though it may have masked their slight scepticism. Others quickly followed with, "Well when do you get to go?" And it made me smile - that they wanted things to be fair - for me to have the chance and the time to re-set, re-charge, re-center. And with all sincerity, I replied that my turn would come and I believe that with every bone in my body.

What I often didn't say is that my husband's time in silence, without his computer, without the news, without his IPhone - directly impacts the "we" and the "us". It can't not. So yes, he is doing the work right now, but we are a unit, and what deeply affects one of us, affects us all.

So, yes he is on retreat and I am home, with an 11 month old baby. But somehow, I too feel as though I am on a different kind of retreat - that even here at home, with dishes and recycling to carry out and laundry to fold and a baby to put to sleep, I too can re-set, re-charge and re-center.

This time alone, for me, right now, is me pressing pause.

Simply Small

2010-02-24T20:39:00.000-08:00

I am embracing the world of technology. The new SMALL online magazine is out - click here and though I miss the feel of getting delightful magazines in the mailbox, I am starting to appreciate this form of publication. It's about design and kids and families and beautiful things and well chosen products and creativity and art and beauty and play. Does that give you an idea about its contents?

I just wish I had a space like this to cuddle up in and flip through the electronic pages.

Mom 2.0

2010-02-23T09:40:00.000-08:00

Sometimes someone says it better than you ever could.

Sometimes someone reminds you that you are doing the most important job in the whole entire universe.

Sometimes someone reminds you why you pick up the toys 5 times a day or let them by messy or let them sleep in the middle.

Sometimes someone reminds you of all the things your mom did for you, that you can't even remember.

Sometimes you get a message in your inbox, with exactly the right message at exactly the right time.

Thank you Alex for sharing this with me.

Crushers anyone?

2010-02-18T16:17:00.000-08:00

Here is why new moms need to spend time with seasoned moms: because you learn ALL kinds of tips and secrets and juicy details.

Our newest juicy detail: Crushers from Trader Joes. The to-go pouch of apple or apple/carrot sauce that is now a huge hit. In case you are saying, "I have never seen those at Trader Joes", you are alone. I was convinced our city TJ's did not have them. And then I looked where the applesauce was - and there they were.

So for now, there are back-up pouches in the car and one in my purse. And yes, he can already hold them by himself - and as you can see, it is a divine mess.

Deutschland

2010-02-18T12:05:00.000-08:00

It's official - the nugget is now a citizen of Germany.

Signed and completed, his application for a German passport was completed today at the Consulate General in San Francisco and in 4-6 weeks it will be ready for pick up.

He has no idea how lucky he is.

2010-02-17T23:35:00.000-08:00

At Recess, playing. In the coolest school bus around.

Do something

2010-02-17T12:09:00.000-08:00

Take away from the infant CPR class we just took: Do something, it's better than nothing. And if you start, don't stop.

Though it certainly wasn't necessary for the class to be three hours long, it was certainly worth the time spent to leave felling confident that I could perform CPR if needed and that I will be able to handle the moment when the nugget starts to choke on whatever little thing he his secretly and stealthily gotten into his mouth. I am grateful that with little need for persuasion my husband joined and we left together, feeling mostly prepared.

So besides learning that it is better to do something than nothing at all and liking the idea to keep littlenuggets out of the kitchen when someone is cooking, we learned one EXTREMELY interesting and potentially life saving fact: in California, 911 calls made on a cell phone are forwarded to the CHP (California Highway Patrol). Funny, you should ask, why on earth is that?

Well, what we learned is that 911 is basically the first ever forwarding service - you call and it then directs you to the appropriate emergency dispatch center based on your location. From a landline, this is easy and your address is immediately available to the dispatch operator. However, your cell phone is a whole new ball of wax. And since early in the days of the cell phone, most 911 calls were coming from motorists on the highway, a decision was made to route the calls to the CHP - as they would be able to respond the fastest. Well, it seems we are a bit slow in upgrading our technologies - 911 calls made from a cell phone, still go to the CHP.

This is why, you may be on hold or even get a busy signal if you try to call 911. Can you imagine, your child is not breathing and you get a busy signal?

So here is what you do:
1. Keep your landline.
2. Program your local dispatch # into your cell phone. The one exemption to this is vortex's like UCSF, the Presidio and SF City College have their own emergency dispatch, so if you spend a lot of time in these areas, add their dispatch numbers as well. So if you live in San Francisco, get out your cell phone and ADD:

EMERGENCY 415-553-8090
NON-EMERGENCY 415-553-0123

Make sure to give these numbers to anyone taking care of your baby and to add them to the emergency contact list on your refrigerator.

This little step is doing something, and at the end of the day, that may just be enough.

Meant to be

2010-02-15T20:36:00.000-08:00

I don't like chain letters. And I don't like chain emails. But today, I received this in my inbox, and somehow I couldn't simply click delete without savoring every little morsel. And instead of forwarding it on to 7 other women, I am simply going to forward it to you...

May today there be peace within. May you trust that you are exactly where you are meant to be. May you not forget the infinite possibilities that are born of faith in yourself and others. May you use the gifts that you have received, and pass on the love that has been given to you. May you be content with yourself just the way you are.

I needed these words today. I will probably need these words again tomorrow, because there is no other way to deal with a cranky, runny-nosed, needy and totally-now-walking almost 11 month old tornado. A little tornado who managed to get to the kitchen, open "his" cupboard, get out an apple sauce snack, walk over to me and look at me as if I was taking way too slow to open it. What he didn't understand was that I was having one of those "oh @&^*" moments - the one where reality jolts you back into the present moment. The present moment where my not so little tiny baby actually intentionally brought me something to open. Then he just plopped down on the floor, right in front of the cold fridge door and began to blissfully savor every bite.

So, again, he reminded me that we are both exactly where we are meant to be.

Daiso

2010-02-15T20:33:00.000-08:00

Here is the thing, you just have to love a Japanese dollar store.

Actually it is a "most things are $1.50" and I always seem to find the goodies for $5.00 but I still love it. I love it because the Japanese get the pretty and practical rule: things you use in ordinary life don't have to look ordinary.

All this stuff for the nugget - baby spoons, a toy sack for his toys on the go, a toy bin - and it all has an interesting and different aesthetic. And I spent about $20.

Interested? It is absolutely worth a visit. Just give yourself time, you will be amazed at how much there is to look at.

Click on Daiso for more information

Home

2010-02-14T20:15:00.000-08:00

Some days it is hard to see the importance of cleaning up the blocks for the tenth time or kneeling on the kitchen tile cleaning up Puffs, leaking blueberries and smashed up string cheese for the fifth time, but then the mailman brings my copy of Seeing the Everyday and I open it up and I read this:

"The home is the place where our names are first uttered with love and therefore where we first discover that we mean something. It is the site where both human beings and human values first make their appearance in the world. It is the center from which we define and understand the nature of everything we encounter in the world." (by David Patterson)

This is why every choice we make matters. This is why I am home.

I heart these...

2010-02-14T09:28:00.000-08:00

hat from little chick knits

hat from lulu and charlie

cozy from knitty vet

image from the knitted cupcake

knitted egg from weaver bird designs

hug and kiss your valentine

happy valentine's day

XOXO

Another Saturday night

2010-02-13T20:59:00.000-08:00

It's Saturday night.

I think there are dishes in the sink. And there might be some bills to pay. But my baby is asleep and my husband is out and I am rocking out to the songs streaming through Pandora on The Innocence Mission station I created. And I am eating a Yokids Squeezer because I am not sure what made me think a 10 1/2 month old could eat yogurt out of a squeezable tube, so I will just have to eat it myself.

This right here, this might just be heaven.

Pressing play

2010-02-12T19:49:00.000-08:00

So its not the same - to do a 10 silent retreat without being silent, without leaving home, while mothering a 10 month old and trying to feed us all and keep the house from falling into total chaos. But there was a peace, a calmness that I experienced last week that made me realize that in all my mindless doing, I had forgotten that I have the ability to create inner calmness, almost all the time. I realized that in all the "yes" saying and overbooking of my calendar, I had forgotten that I could just play on the floor and find interest in building up the tower of blocks one more time. I realized that if I said no just a few more times, or least started with maybe, I could potentially feel like I was riding the waves instead of feeling the half-panicked sensation of treading water in between tumultuous, 20 foot waves.

And then, in an instant, I forgot it all. I overbooked, over promised and overdid. Here it is Friday night, I am more exhausted than ever, my lower back is screaming out in intermittent pain from picking up a needy, teething, runny nosed, I-never-want-to-get-my-diaper-changed again, darling and intoxicating little man, I am missing the opening ceremony of the Olympics because at some point we decided not to have a TV (which most of the time suits me just fine) and there is nothing sweet in the house for me to eat.

So in my mini hiatus from the world I remembered my priorities...and it is simple: to do whatever it takes to be peaceful for me and useful for them.

First toothbrush

2010-02-06T23:32:00.000-08:00

So it's the wrong end. We'll work on the actual brushing part later.

Pressing pause

2010-01-31T22:42:00.000-08:00

What would it be like to spend 10 days in silence, without words, books, and music? Without sweets, dairy, wheat, meat, coffee? Without sheets and duvets and down pillows? In two words, life changing.

On the eve of January 31, 2008*, at a monastery in Thailand, my husband and I stopped talking, not sure what we were really about to get into or what life would look like on the other side. We would be apart and yet together, sleeping apart, eating apart and experiencing meditation apart and it would in the end change us as a couple forever.

So today, on this 2nd anniversary of the first day of our visit, we commit to making the next 10 days as mindful, simple and contemplative as possible. First major difference: we have a 10 month old nugget. 2nd major difference: we don't have a staff of 5 cooking divine vegetarian Thai food everyday. 3rd major difference: we're sleeping in a bed instead of a concrete slab. 4th major difference: our 4am wake-up is a baby not a beautiful gong. 5th major difference: life.

But we will do our best. For what I realized after those 10 days in 2008, is that I have the ability to press pause, whenever life starts to move too fast.

And today, I am pressing pause. See you in 10 days.

*To read about our experience at the 10-day Silent Retreat in Suan Mokkh, Thailand - follow this link

Wide awake

2010-01-30T23:27:00.000-08:00

"Without sleep, the brain is more like a messy desk full of teetering stacks of papers - it's harder to remember where the most important information is, much less apply that information at the right time."
from the 90 Minute Baby Sleep Program by Polly Moore

This is by far the best description of the affects of sleep deprivation that I have read. This is why you can walk into the kitchen and have forgotten why you are there in the first place. This is why the cereal box ends up in the fridge and the milk ends up in the pantry. This is why sometimes you wonder how safe it is to be driving a car. This is why you lock yourself out of the house, more than once. This is why you forget the coffee date you made this afternoon.

So now that we have a baby who sleeps "through the night", why the %@^#* am I still so tired? And why the %$#* are my eyeballs wide awake at 3am?

It is the sad and ironic reality that my body and psyche have actually adapted to the night wakings, similar to how we can adapt to the alarm clock ringing at 6am during the week, making it impossible to sleep in on the weekends. I guess I just have to be patient, and let my body gently relax into the fact that noone needs to be awake at 3am.

In addition, as my body starts to soak in the missing sleep, it may actually become more tired, as it transitions to having more sleep regularly. Another irony, that I simply need to accept and be patient with.

It probably doesn't help that it is 11:22pm and I should have been asleep an hour and 22 minutes ago instead of writing this post and answering emails. But this time is so precious - so quiet, so calm - and so mine! Who on earth would want to waste it sleeping?

So on that note, good night!

So long Sophie

2010-01-29T20:52:00.000-08:00

And just like that, she gets discarded. Thrown to the side with the other baby toys that have now been replaced with toy trains, music making drums and push carts with wheels. I thought Sophie would be around forever - well at least until his first birthday.

I don't when it happened - when my baby became a little boy. But he has, and on one hand it is the most delightful stage to experience and on the other I notice how I too no longer look at baby things or need to talk about baby topics. He and I are onto dump-trucks, sirens and building blocks. You can forget anything soft and gentle - the plush toys, the "lovie" - they are all in a bin collecting dust.

So today, the baby toys went into their own little plastic bag and they will go with the other baby things that we are saving should there be a number two.

This parenting thing is indeed the greatest lesson that in fact nothing stays as it is.

First falls

2010-01-29T20:20:00.000-08:00

There may be nothing worse than the sound of your little tiny baby's head hitting your hardwood floor for the first time. But then it happens a second and then a fifth time, and you realize how much more durable they are than you think - the baby's head, not your hardwood floors.

I am not going to cover our whole apartment with foam padding, but I will pad his special play pit - just to be on the safe side.

And while most every other option is an obnoxious mixture of primary colors and large ABC cutouts - this new product might just please the aesthetic me.

{I didn't end up buying it - so I can't give you my opinion. But it might just be worth a try.}

Available here Natural Foam Mats

Eat breakfast.

2010-01-28T19:14:00.000-08:00

Really, it's a no brainer. eat breakfast please.

what does this have to do with new motherhood you ask?

well, mostly, as a new mom you forget to eat. or you don't make the time to eat. or you eat what your baby didn't {when you have made organic pureed sweet potatoes}. or you shovel what ever you can get your hands on into your mouth. or you get really good at runny on empty.

and if you are nursing, well, you figure it out.

so i am posting this because i need to take better care of myself. one of my new year's resolutions is to make my food either before or at the same time as i am making food for the nugget. then i eat right before, or with him or right after. either way, he might have a to wait for me for a few extra seconds, but let me tell you, it makes all the difference.

since i start to get extremely bored with breakfast foods, i use photographer jen causey's
simply breakfast blog to provide some much needed inspiration.

bon appetit.

First words

2010-01-27T21:09:00.001-08:00

This time the first belongs to me: my first written words in the nugget's baby book. It comes at his 10 month birthday, or at least just a few days after, which seems an embarassingly late time to start such a journal, but I suppose it is better late than never.

I bought Nikki McClure's wonderful baby journal - The First 1000 Days - in the last weeks of my pregnancy, certain that I would diligently record and write and daydream and wish. I loved it then and I love it now because it is very unbaby - no elephants or rattles or pale blue ducks in sight. Her baby inspired paper cut-outs are each a piece of art - worthy of being hung on the wall. So it is beautiful and inspiring, and still it sat for 10 months. Often I glanced at it sitting amongst the other unread books on my desk and longed for just an hour - of quiet, uninterrupted time to simply record every small detail that my fuzzy milk-brain would allow me to remember. But that hour never came.

In my defense or at least justification to myself, this blog has become my place to record and recollect, but I realize that this is my place, my story, not his. During our trip to Denver two weeks ago, my diligent scrap-booking friend provided the nudge I needed. Though she too did the scrapbooks for her babies as a cathartic process for herself, the end result is that her 5 year old nugget loves to look back through his. For it is indeed, a book all about him.

Luckily, I still have around 700 days that I can record in this lovely journal, which leaves me with plenty to share.

Dreaming

2010-01-26T09:04:00.000-08:00

I l0ve everything about the cover of this catalog that arrived last week. It's not Domino, but it will do for today.

We didn't have the perfect nursery. We don't have the perfect nursery - just a bedroom that has to work for mama, papa and the nug that keeps metamorphosing as his or our needs change. And for now, it works.

But that doesn't mean a girl can't dream. Oh, and with the new catalog from Serena + Lily, this girl can dream.

I love the simplicity of the room they designed for Marlo - especially the brilliance of the white origami crane mobile. So easy to re-create. And, if and when there is a baby #2, I will somehow figure out how to justify owning their version of a very modern and very perfect moses basket.

Me and the nug

2010-01-25T09:07:00.000-08:00

{reposted today - with the whole series of pictures}

Yes, walkers are no longer made and it is even widely recommended that you do not use them. Okay, got it.

So what are you supposed to do when your mom keeps all of your baby items, including your walker from 1975, gets the seat re-sewn and then just puts your little nugget in it and he wheels himself across the hardwood floors like he is at Nascar?

You smile. And you enjoy it.

Priceless

2010-01-24T20:47:00.000-08:00

What do you give your mama and your nuggi's Oma for her 60th birthday? This, just this.

Off we go

2010-01-23T23:21:00.000-08:00

Off to Denver, with a banged up eyelid and a spool of red linen thread. What more do you need?

First bump

2010-01-23T22:59:00.000-08:00

So it happened.

He fell off the bed.

And we both cried.

This is a first I could have done without. And, I know this is just the beginning of many, many more bumps.

2010-01-20T23:25:00.000-08:00

I can't explain why I love these two photos. I just do.

The hidden cost of travel

2010-01-19T23:02:00.000-08:00

Yes, the fee for your checked bags is a hidden cost of travel.

Yes, the roaming charges on your cell phone is a hidden cost of travel.

Yes, the extra $10 a day to let your husband legally drive the rental car is a hidden cost of travel.

I am not talking about money though. It is something more - more costly and more difficult to simply accept as the price of travel. Here it is: no where you go with a new baby will ever be relaxing and rejuvenating unless you go with a full-time babysitter, cook, chauffeur and perhaps maid. Scratch that, not perhaps, maid for sure.

Here is why: your schedule stays at home as does absolutely everything that is familiar to your little one which makes for sleepless nights and discombobulated days. For your little inquisitive nugget, the guestroom at your best friend's house might as well be Disneyland.

And flying - well, that is just unnecessary with a baby, even if you have a baby who smiles adoringly at security, the jaded flight attendants and the older couple who is silently thinking "Please don't let that baby be sitting near us" .

Don't get me wrong - I would not have given up this past weekend in Denver with my two favorite mamas for the sake of an undisturbed schedule, but after getting up at 5am this morning, walking the nugget to sleep in the terminal because our flight was delayed for 2 hours and arriving home in the the first torrential rainstorm of the season, we realized all we wanted to do was crawl into bed and wake up a week later.

And so we slept. And rested from our vacation.

Napping in style

2010-01-18T21:08:00.000-08:00

Not really sure how the nugget got so lucky that he gets to sleep in such a fine buggy, to the sound of the Pacific Ocean lapping the shores in the distance. But he did.

And those naps in grandma's front yard were much needed after celebrating one's first Christmas.

As for the matching parasol, well, that came from Nikolaus.

Three men and a baby

2010-01-17T21:13:00.000-08:00

There they are. My four favorite men on the entire planet.

The only sleep advice that works

2010-01-16T23:26:00.000-08:00

I have read every book and tried every solution.

And the only thing that made any difference was this these 3 words that start with C by the totally outrageous author Gary Ezzo, whom you either loathe or love:

Cuddles & kisses
Consistency
Confidence

Cuddles and kisses are easy - you do that anyway. So don't stop. And trust your instinct - if your baby needs to be cuddled and kissed and held and rocked and it's three o'clock in the morning, do it. Do it because they are tiny and everything is new and scary and overwhelming and frightening and they are too little to be manipulating you in any way.

Be consistent in everything that you do. Every day, every night, every nap, every bath, every morning, every bedtime. Your adult self will fight this monotony - but don't let it for consistency is how babies learn. And if we give them the chance, they are far brighter than we think they are.

And your confidence will come. Because when you are consistent and patient, things change. Your baby changes. Your baby sleeps. And then, you can feel confident that what you do and what you did makes a difference, with everything, every time.

Nugget goes exploring

2010-01-16T14:23:00.000-08:00

And then one day you turn around and your little baby can walk up to the pantry, open the pantry and empty the pantry.

I noticed him, amidst whatever task I was doing on the kitchen and at the moment he noticed me watching. And then there was this sort of acknowledgement like "You keep doing what you are doing and I'll keep doing what I am doing." And so I turned around and kept doing whatever I was doing. But something made me stop. Something made me turn around and sit down on my kitchen floor. Something made me just stop and pay attention.

It may have been 2 minutes or it may have been 10 and either way, nothing else seemed to matter.

Have you ever sat down on your kitchen floor? Have you ever really seen what their world looks like? It gives you a whole new perspective on the cabinets you open and close a hundred times a day or the floor tiles that you thought were clean but realize it was a false clean seen from 5+ feet up.

Anyway, I don't think the nugget really knew that I was watching him and it is not something that he will ever remember, but its a moment in time I hope to never forget.

Puffs explosion

2010-01-15T23:18:00.000-08:00

And then I came around the corner, and this is what I saw.

Puffs everywhere and a nugget sitting right in the middle of it all.

A new pastime

2010-01-15T13:30:00.000-08:00

I have never really been an online shopper. Actually, I have never been an online shopper. Until 9 months ago. And I am not alone.

And though I have tamed the visits to Ebay, Amazon and Etsy, I can't help but click on the email notices that come from The Mini Social. The sales are short and sweet - just enough time to get you hooked and convinced that you really need to order that thermal striped hoodie for the nugget.

Interested?

Follow this link to join https://www.theminisocial.com/myaccount.php?invitation=30214

Sleeping through the night

2010-01-14T09:13:00.000-08:00

Something happened last night. It really happened, I can't believe it.

The nugget went to sleep last night at 8pm. And then he just kept sleeping and sleeping and sleeping until 5:30 this morning. He did it. He slept through the night - no horrendous crying it out, no sleep training. Just patience. Just consistency. Just being really really tired for a really long time.

Here is the irony: I was up at 2:20am. Wide awake. Seems I need some sleep training now.

Second piece of irony: We are getting on an airplane in a few hours to fly to Colorado. So, this beautiful night of long sleep may be the last for now and we'll start all over again next week.

And so it goes.

Urban baby

2010-01-09T19:30:00.000-08:00

Movie star in the making or just an urban baby from 2010? Let's just say, the shades stayed on longer than I would have imagined. Thanks Freshie.

2010-01-08T22:34:00.000-08:00

from babycenter.com

The nugget had his 9-month old well baby visit today. Same thing - weight, length, head circumference. And then the pediatrician shows me some chart and tells me some sort of percentile so that I know where he ranks. But I don't care. I never do. Maybe I should? Should I?

I feel like it is just another opportunity for us to compare our children to each other instead of seeing them exactly for the individual tiny people that they are? Or seeing them as somehow too small or too short or too long or too heavy? We have a whole lifetime to be "too" something - why burden our babies.

But actually, it was not the standard height/head/weight measurement that sent me thinking today but something the pediatrician said. When talking to him about solid foods and the fact that the nugget seems to have quite a mature taste pallette - he was all over feta and clam chowder - he remarked "Oh, yeah, it seems the cautionary advice to stay away from allergy causing foods is not so severe anymore. Still, stay away from peanuts until age 5 and honey and cow' milk until about age 1 but other than that, he can try anything you are eating. Do you have allergies?" When I replied no, he reaffirmed his statement.

Just like that. Science and research does it again - it changes its mind. And we are supposed to worry less and feed them more. I suppose these rules and guidelines come about because someone decides to give their infant coca-cola in a baby bottle or something outrageous like that. But this list of rules of "should not's" is so long for pregnancy and the first year of life - I see mothers turning themselves into knots just trying to get it all right.

And then I go to the pediatrician and he says, "Oh yeah, by the way..."

Me time

2010-01-06T21:23:00.000-08:00

I went on a date with myself today.

I used to take Artist dates, a term Julia Cameron coined in her art manifesto The Artists's Way, as a way to get inspired, see the world, be by myself. It's like shopping - I don't really like to shop with other women or my husband or my mom. I like to go by myself and take my time and look and see and observe. And that time is what I miss most of all from my life before baby.

I need time to be alone - perhaps like some need time with others. And yes, I have all kinds of time alone these days but alone with a baby does not count. It does not count at all. Alone means alone - with no one to need me or alter my course or distract me.

So today, while the nugget played with his girlfriend Alex, I simply got in the car, left the to do list at home and drove downtown. (Okay, so I drove. Yes, I drove when I could have easily taken Muni. But cut me some slack - my time was limited and suddenly I have become very aware of germs and riding in a Muni bus for even 5 minutes is like swimming in an oversized petri dish. So yes, I drove.) And yes, I used precious babysitting time to just spend time with myself without really getting anything done. I won't make a habit of it - but today, I deserved it.

And what hit me immediately as I approached Market and Powell - is that there is a whole world going on. A world without babies and diapers and separation anxiety and puffs and sleep training and drool and car seats and my god the list goes on. I just wanted to stop and grab someone and say "Do you know that I had a baby?" And really, they would just look at me and say "Okay, crazy lady" and be on their way.

A world outside apartment #8. I was flabbergasted and amazed and envious.

What I wanted to do was meander through Anthropologie and get lost in the racks of clothes I was not about to buy and the home items that I have no room for in our tiny space. But I had a little bit of a mission: to find shirts that fit my postpartum/nursing body. I knew it wouldn't be fun and that I would need to swallow my pride when I looked at the size but this was part of my new year's intentions: to accept the state of this body, exactly as it is. I am only 6 days into the new year, so I have gotten to about my chin...I still have a way to go with this whole acceptance thing.

But back to my mission. I needed cheap, stylish and functional. I was/am not willing to invest a great deal of money into this new wardrobe - the first step is to accept, the second is to work really hard at changing it. Store #1, no dice. And the clock was ticking - so store #2 had to be a winner. So I marched into the Gap, grabbed a few pieces off the sale rack and was pleasantly surprised when I actually smiled at myself in the mirror.

It was a half smile - but I thought, "This will do."

And so it begins

2010-01-04T22:03:00.000-08:00

And so, it is a new year.

And inevitably, the new year is always started with the sad sight of abandoned and dehydrated christmas trees. It is even more obvious in the city where no one has yards or mulch makers in their garages.

I saw the first tree a few days after Christmas. It's still at the foot of our communal long driveway - brown and dying. It makes me sad. Now, this first Monday of the new year, the streets are lined with abandoned trees as the weekend gave people the time and energy to clean up the holidays and make room for regular life to start again.

I too cleaned away any trace that Christmas was here - though the smiling faces on everyone's holiday cards are still greeting me every morning. I think I will keep those up for a while.

Being that girl

2010-01-03T22:23:00.000-08:00

I did it. I finally finished a book that was not about vaccinations or developmental milestones or a sneaky gorilla.

Like meditation and reading and relaxation and simply doing nothing, I let these things fall to the bottom of my "to-do" list when there are dishes in the sink, laundry to fold, bills to pay, a husband to spend time with and a baby to nurture. So, that is why it took me forever to read this book. And I only finished it because I mindfully and consciously made the decision to sit in the comfy chair and read.

And really, the end was the best part. It was the best part because it was hopeful and real and honest. And it ended in the South. And it ended with a happy girl in a truck - a girl who for most of the book was floating and detached and sad and directionless and ungrounded.

I finished it and let my feelings of accomplishment marinate for a few hours. And thought about this girl who found purpose when she became a mother, a girl who grew up when she went back home. A girl, in the South, in a truck.

Tonight, I told my husband I want to be a girl in a truck.

He kind of paused, looked at me, and said "You are a girl in a truck - It's just that its a hybrid SUV."

I smiled.

In with the new

2009-12-29T22:27:00.000-08:00

I am a paper girl. Or maybe I was a paper girl. Not sure yet. But this year, as I opened every holiday card that came in the mail with a sort of "Oh, they had their &$%^ together", I kept thinking I would just get something printed and at least send it out before the end of the year. And then, as this creation began to take shape, I saw what it could be - that it could be emailed.

It could be emailed. It could be emailed!

And so, for the first time in my entire life, I did not send out a paper holiday card. And, as I saved on stamps and paper and most importantly time, I realized this might just become a new tradition.

For the "outtakes" of our photobooth experience, click here.

First Christmas

2009-12-25T22:32:00.000-08:00

Here's our Christmas baby. And yes, he has a screwdriver in his mouth. Or at least the handle of a screwdriver. That's what happens when all the big boys get remote controlled helicopters that need tools and batteries and extra parts and repair within an hour.

But really, it's just the handle. Don't worry.

Buy handmade

2009-12-19T23:51:00.000-08:00

Tis the season for craft fairs. Seems there is one every weekend.

I went to the Bizare Bizaar last weekend - and actually left my wallet in the car. You see, we decided this year to forgo presents. There are a few little tricks up my sleeve for my husband and a few things for other family members but we have freed ourselves this year from the "oh, my god, what am I going to get for so-and-so" or "I spent more money on her present but its really small in size, so it looks like nothing compared to the cheapo things that so-and-so got that make up a tower of gifts." And can I say - there is an immense freedom in not giving store bought gifts and there is an immense amount of time I have available to do anything else but shop.

This year the gifts are of time, togetherness and craftsmanship - My wish from my husband was to have our music situation figured out - all CD's uploaded, IPOD synched, itunes accounts merged. The whole shabang. We'll see if that actually happens.

So going into last weeks fair, I knew there was nothing I needed. But what happened was that I realized that there was also nothing that I wanted. Perhaps living in less than 700 sq feet makes me more aware of what comes in, or maybe I just feel full - full with all the stuff we already have. Or maybe, I just feel content and happy, and aware that nothing material actually makes the good, content feeling stay for very long.

However, I am always curious who is making what and how and how much. And sometimes, there are little treasures that stand out. So, I take their cards, look them up and save them for the day when in fact a little retail therapy is just what the doctor ordered.
This year's treasures are:

DamestarBaby
I saw them last year. See photo above. I love everything - their website, their photography, their business card. This year, I wanted the moonshine t-shirt for the nugget. But somehow I just couldn't do the $35 pricetag. Next year.

Katy Kristin
Handmade hedgehog. Stuffed. Enough said.

Bird Mafia
New this year. Strange and whimsical felted cubes in the shapes of animals - my favorite was the owl. Nugget seemed to be intrigued.

Applesauce
One of a kind baby and kid clothes made from recycled fabrics. Adorable. Just adorable.

The nugget and I whirled through the crowds, grabbed cards and then slipped right back out the door, as quietly as we had entered. I will go to Renegade tomorrow - because I get inspired that people are creating, making, recycling, reinventing and repurposing. And I get happy when I see people supporting handmade. We'll see if I can leave there empty handed as well.

Slow down, you move too fast..

2009-12-17T21:36:00.000-08:00

I wasn't really reading the NY Times in April - I was navigating those first blissful and hazy weeks of new motherhood. So it is no surprise that I missed this article/conversation with Carl Honore, author of Under Pressure, a book about what has been termed the "slow parenting" movement.

And really, the article is worth reading and I hope the book is worth reading too, as I just placed it in my shopping cart - Christmas present to myself.

This is a topic I think about everyday - everyday as I watch the nugget navigate his world and then watch how I react to him. As he has gotten more capable, I have wanted to become more capable - more productive, more efficient, more like the old me. But the old me didn't have a little side kick. So there is no old me to go back to. So when I drag him around - to get groceries at Trader Joes, ink cartridges at OfficeDepot and vegetables at Rainbow - and he at some point breaks down in the basket of yet another shopping cart, I think to myself...what am I going so fast for? What does he need? And really, he just wants my attention. He wants me to stop and look at the ceiling fan that is spinning above. He wants me to stop and see the woman filling the bins with multi-colored grains. He wants me to stop and see what he is all seeing for the very first time. He wants me to see what I take for granted every day.

What I like about the author is that he defines slow parenting not as snails pace or slow pace, but the right pace. It doesn't mean being slow, it means choosing the right speed. The right speed for the place, the time, the location, the child, the situation. And knowing what pace to take means paying attention, lots of attention.

I have noticed lately how much I want to speed things up. I see toddlers with their trikes and think about which one to get for the nugget. Or Duplos or Brio or Playmobile. All those fun things in our future, but really, I still have a baby. A baby who sticks anything and everything into his mouth, who is just figuring how to scoot across the floor on his tummy and who is amazed when he can pull himself on anything that will hold his weight. That is where we are - that is where he is. There is nothing to push or hurry.

But we are in a forward thinking culture - better, bigger, faster. And we want to do what is best for our babies - give them the best, offer them the best, be the best, make them the best. But in this race, I think that we are forgetting to stop and reflect and then we say "I don't know where the time has gone." or "Enjoy this stage, because before you know it, they will be asking for the car keys." So obviously, time moves at its own momentum, without us pressing fast forward.

There is indeed a time to every purpose under heaven. For now, let them be babies. Let them need you. Let them sleep in the middle. Let them play longer. Let them be fascinated with ceiling fans.

iphone envy

2009-12-16T21:51:00.000-08:00

On Wednesdays, the nugget goes on a date with his girlfriend. Her name is Alex. Some might call her a babysitter, I call her an angel. She gives me sanity and peace and time to just be by myself. And when I get home, they are both all smiles - I never really know who is enjoying themselves more.

She has an iphone and took this picture. And then she emailed it right away. I love it because it is simply a snapshot of a moment in time - a smirk that she just happened to catch at exactly the right moment.

So, I think I envy her iphone. I think I might be the last person on earth without one - I mean, my mom even has one. Go figure.

Wondering

2009-12-15T13:09:00.000-08:00

It's inevitable - whenever I think, "Um, something is up. I wonder what is going on with the nugget", I open up the big red book and sure enough the world has changed again.

The nugget world that is.

This time it is the world of categories, in which his little brain starts to realize that some things belong together in groups while other don't. It is a developmental leap that involves his whole being and every sense he's got - sight, sound, smell, taste and touch. So, it makes only sense that he tires easily, cries easily and has the most serious, pensive look on his face, most of the time.

This developmental leap tends to have many defining characteristics, but the ones that seem extremely pertinent to us at the moment are:

- Gets bored easily
- Gets anxious and frustrated when mom walks around
- Demands mama's full attention, even if he is interested in something else
- Sweet + Sour (or I like to call this Jekyl + Hyde) - one minute sugar and spice and the next, well...I can't use that word here
- Listlessness (moments of staring into space)
- Hating the diaper changing routine
- Babyish regression (wobbly, needy, etc)
- Whimpering, all day long

Sound familiar anyone?

What I have to trust, is that again, this too will pass. And that it is my job to love him even the rough patches - even the grating-on-my-nerves whimpering.

My job to love it all. My job to love it all. My job to love it all. My job to love it all. My job to love it all.

Babies?

2009-12-14T20:50:00.001-08:00

Usually when something crosses my path twice, from two different sources of equal influence in my life, I pay attention. The first time I heard about Babies, I was intrigued. The second time, I knew I needed to write about it.

This is the story - of four babies, in four countries - Mongolia, Namibia, United States and Japan - during their first year of life. How, in the end and I suppose at the beginning, our similarities are universal, our differences not that important. A baby, is a baby, is a baby - no matter where you are.

I have been thinking about this subject with every new decision I have to make concerning the nugget. During our travels the year before he was born, we saw babies in slings on 8 year olds in Laos, babies in hand-made hammocks in Thailand, babies on 6 hour bus rides in Ecaudor, babies on mopeds in Vietnam, babies without diapers everywhere. Babies without safety straps, or hand sanitizer, or organic pureed pears. Babies without sippy cups and plastic bibs. Babies without cribs and co-sleepers and nurseries. Babies with love, babies with joy and babies with little if no melt-downs.

So, I am overly excited to see this film - for its beauty and perhaps more the reminder that in fact, with very little, much happiness is possible. And that in the end - babies need us and that is all.

2009-12-13T23:04:00.000-08:00

And tonight, my fortune cookie read...

Be prepared to modify your plans.

And that made me smile.

Gate Envy

2009-12-12T21:23:00.000-08:00

Numi Baby Gate available here

a clever dad's genius design {as seen at oh dee doh}

Let's just say the world of babyproofing is more practical than pretty. And though I do agree that when it comes to safety practical is first, why of why can't they design something pretty?

I am still tempted to splurge on the Numi Gate available at the time only in the UK. But for now, I'll just be fine with the very white, very free gate that was waiting for us in grandma's garage.

Away we go...

2009-12-11T19:56:00.000-08:00

Last week was a rough week. I cleaned up more bodily fluids from one baby and one husband than I thought was possible. It's not fun. And I don't feel well either, but that doesn't really seem to matter.

It was Friday night - and somehow I got them both to pass out. So, I took my old broken lap top that has a wonderfully large screen and a DVD drive installed, put in the movie, plugged in the headphones, got into bed and indulged.

I am a bit behind, so perhaps Away We Go is old news to everyone, but to me it was a little unexpected piece of yummy pie. I laughed, I cried, I laughed some more. If you have recently had a baby, are having a baby, are thinking of having a baby or just love sweet out-of-the box love stories, this one is just perfect.

At the end, I was in love again with my two sickly boys. And all was again well in the universe.

Missing him

2009-12-10T22:47:00.000-08:00

There have been birthdays without him. There have been graduations and Halloweens and final school projects without him. There have been boyfriends and girlfriends. There have been Christmas Eve's and Thanksgiving turkeys without him. There was even a wedding and a walk down the aisle without him.

But somehow, after all that, I don't want to do Christmas without him this year and it has caught me completely off guard.

It's the 10th of December and there are no bells on the door, no Christmas music streaming over iTunes in the car and at home, no advent wreath. Even my husband noticed that something is array with his Christmas loving maus. There is only sadness. There is only deep missing that my dad is not here for this very important first Christmas. He's not here and he should be here.

And I haven't felt that way in a really long time.

So, I am going to let myself be sad for as long as I need to this time. Because at some point, I will not feel so sad and I will want to go with the nugget to pick out our very first family tree. And there will be a point when I can listen to the familiar and comforting lyrics of my favorite Christmas songs and smile with joy. And there will be a point when I can look at the nugget and tell him how very much his grandpa loved this holiday and how he was the best gift giver I have ever known and how he wrote clever little names on the gift tags of the gifts he gave and how he took a bite out of the cookies we left for Nikolaus and how he sang "O Holy Night" more beautifully than any recording I have ever heard.

Until that point, I am missing him, terribly.

maus + nugget

2009-12-08T20:36:00.000-08:00

I got some of the pictures back from a photoshoot that a friend did for me a few weeks ago. Here we are.

The things we've handed down

2009-12-07T01:13:00.000-08:00

First, you fall in the love with the realism of the relationship in his True Companion and you wonder if an adult relationship can be that simple. And then you hear this tribute and you think "I don't think I could I have said it any better than that."

The Things We've Handed Down
Lyrics by Marc Cohn

Don't know much about you
Don't know who you are
We've been doing fine without you
But, we could only go so far
Don't know why you chose us
Were you watching from above
Is there someone there that knows us
Said we'd give you all our love

Will you laugh just like your mother
Will you sigh like your old man
Will some things skip a generation
Like I've heard they often can
Are you a poet or a dancer
A devil or a clown
Or a strange new combination of
The things we've handed down

I wonder who you'll look like
Will your hair fall down and curl
Will you be a mama's boy
Or daddy's little girl
Will you be a sad reminder
Of what's been lost along the way
Maybe you can help me find her
In the things you do and say

And these things that we have given you
They are not so easily found
But you can thank us later
For the things we've handed down

You may not always be so grateful
For the way that you were made
Some feature of your father's
That you'd gladly sell or trade
And one day you may look at us
And say that you were cursed
But over time that line has been
Extremely well rehearsed
By our fathers, and their fathers
In some old and distant town
From places no one here remembers
Come the things we've handed down

I've been thinking about what we've handed down to the nugget. Or what I have handed to him - only now are people beginning to say that he looks like me. So I wonder, what did he get? What will present itself? What will bubble to the surface? Will it be the pieces of me I love or the pieces that I disdain? What strange combination will he be?

For now, as I watch his little body and spirit navigating the world around him, I see one one thing that makes me smile: he piggy roots. His tiny little toes and feet are in perpetual motion, even as he is falling asleep in my arms. His little piggies are rooting around, for that perfect position, that perfect place to rest.

My piggies, well, they do the same thing as I am falling asleep.

Touching toes

2009-12-07T01:01:00.001-08:00

Touching toes has taken on a whole new meaning. Pre-nugget it was the olive branch - the sign that no matter what conversation or marital breakdown may have happened just before bed that kept us a bit at odds with each other, it was not bad enough and would be resolved with the freshness and clarity of the new day.

Now, post-nugget, when there are 3 in the bed, its more like the secret handshake, of the secret club that only two of you belong to. No words are needed to acknowledge each others presence and the handshake is bonding - like saying "I get you, I accept what you've been through and I am glad that you are here."

Love

2009-12-07T00:01:00.001-08:00

Here is what I love
Chapters that are 2 pages long

Here is what I am working on
Easing up on myself

I committed to reading one chapter of Momma Zen every Sunday. Already on the second Sunday I flaked. Do I get to excuse myself because it was Thanksgiving weekend or because I am a new mom and was probably really tired for some reason or that I simply just forgot. I think the only person that I have to justify myself to is myself and this is where the easing up on myself comes along. So, it's officially Monday (by 4 minutes to be exact) but if I had started writing 20 minutes ago instead of writing some emails, then it would have still been Sunday and I would have only missed one week. So much for easing up on myself.

Here is where the 2 page chapter comes in. I was going to catch up and make up the week I had "missed" by writing about two chapters, but then I thought, "Who am I rushing for? What on earth am I trying to prove?" And I realized that I am trying to prove to myself that the old me still exists: the organized, highly capable, multi-tasking, can-do girl who just gets stuff done. When really, I am now the absent-minded, forget everything unless its written down, distracted mom who manages to misplace her phone at least once a day. I thought that if I could commit to something once a week, that is for no one's benefit than my own, maybe I could believe that the old me is still in around, hiding on there somewhere.

And then of course, I read exactly what I needed to read. And I stopped at one chapter. Chapter 3 will be waiting for me next week. For today, in this short second chapter, there in black and white, it says: "It's not what you think it is. First, what you call your life is not yours at all - not yours to plan, manipulate, or control, at least not very often." (Momma Zen, p. 11) My life in fact, will never be as it was nor will I ever be how I was. There is no one better to remind me of this than the almost 9 month old nugget whose life is about being in the present moment, every moment of everyday. And though I can "schedule" our days in theory, there is an underlying unpredictable chaos that is bubbling right under the surface. I can twist and grind and clench my way to things looking the way that I want them to, but at the end of the day, the only person who suffers is me.

And then, bam, the sentence of all sentences:
" I was humiliated to see that the maturity and serenity I thought I had achieved was simply the result of having things my way all the time." (Momma Zen, p. 12)

And there you have it. Its not about me. And, its not even about him. It's about loving what is, what is not and what may never be.

Nikolaus

2009-12-06T01:18:00.000-08:00

It was Nikolaus day today.

That means its the 6th of December.

And it is almost unheard of that there is not one sign of Christmas in our tiny little apartment. No music, no advent wreath, no bells on the door, no calendar filled with chocolate. My husband even asked what was going on.

And I don't have an answer. I love Christmas. I love everything about it. But it crept up on me. Suddenly there were tree lots and cars driving around with bound evergreens strapped to the roof. And jingles filling the air at the supermarket and dads on ladders stringing brightly colored lights. And wish lists and holiday parties and annual tree lighting. And then there is us.

And yes, it is the nugget's first Christmas. But he is still too little - too little for baking cookies and watching The Nutcracker and attending carols at Grace Cathedral. So instead of doing too much, I have done nothing.

But I want to feel it. I want to feel how I usually feel about this time of year. Maybe, I just need to set Pandora to O Holy Night and see what happens.

Really?

2009-12-04T20:30:00.000-08:00

Like the big white elephant in the room, it's there but no one wants to talk about. But today, we talked.

We talked about why, how, and why not, and how much, and how little with Andrea Nemerson, the writer of SF Bay Guardian's Sex Column. There were 7 of us - new moms that is and by the smiles and head nods and smirks and questions and me-too stories, I realized that this was indeed a worthy and important topic.

So we listened and shared and attended to our babies at the same time. And though we just touched on the tip of the iceberg, it was enough to send me on my way, feeling well, not alone.

And so my key take a-ways were this:

1. Most couples in the first year of parenthood experience an extreme change in their intimate relationship due to lack of sleep, exhaustion, changes in roles, changes in relationships, sleeping arrangements, pain, scheduling, etc, etc, etc. The list goes on and on and on.

2. It is NOT unusual to have a complete halt in your sexual relationship in the first year of parenthood.

3. That does not mean that your partner (usually the husband) is not not wanting it.

4. It is possible to be "overtouched" - meaning new moms are often in constant contact with their babies and their need to be physically touched or close to someone is fulfilled and that additional touch is the last thing they are wanting or needing.

5. Intimacy doesn't have to be sex - there are ALL kinds of ways to start to re-build your intimate relationship.

6. It will not be what it used to be, nothing ever is. But it could be better.

7. Talk, talk, talk about. And then keep talking about it. The conversations done in silence in your own head are the ones that start to breakdown your relationship.

8. Make time to be together without the baby, period. Do whatever it takes to make that happen. And when you do, don't talk about the baby.

9. Don't send dad to the couch or the spare bedroom. If he goes, follow or at least try.

10. Just do it.

2009-12-03T01:01:00.000-08:00

My mom gave me this book a few weeks after I gave birth. She thought it was really cute. I have to admit, I chuckled.

When I mentioned it at the reunion of our childbirth prep class one of the women said, "Oh my god, my husband already does all of those things." I think the rest of us smiled sharply, trying to hide our sheer envy.

Yes, I have a great husband. And yes he helps. And...

However, on Sunday, he did something extremely unusual. I left with the nugget - to simply get him out of the house and I left a totally dismantled kitchen. Breakfast dishes, maybe even the night before dishes, a dishwasher that needed emptying and groceries that perhaps still needed to be put away. I left, knowing that I would have a mess to attend to when I got home.

We (the nugget and I) were gone for maybe an hour.

When we got home, as I reached the top stair, I heard the whirring sound of a newly loaded dishwasher and caught a glimpse of a completely cleaned up kitchen.

Right then and there, I wanted to ditch the baby and jump into his arms.

Yes, the book is dead on and that's all it takes.

Mama space

2009-11-29T00:33:00.000-08:00

So this is new motherhood - all kinds of things I want to write about from several missed days of posting. I am have thought about going back and filling in, but as I have mentioned before, the going back keeps me from being right here. And right here is a baby with his first cold, a tired mama and an awesome dad who is pulling out all his tricks to soothe stuffy nosed baby back to sleep.

So right now...

I miss Domino. I really do. More than the magazine perhaps, I miss the pure joy and excitement that I felt when I would open my mail box and see the plastic wrapped bundle of inspiration. Because it meant that at some point that evening, I would get to sit in the comfy chair and do nothing else but slowly devour each page. That is what I miss.

So when Wisteria arrived last week, I tried to see if it would do. And though it wasn't even close, I still relished the 15 minutes that I took for myself that had nothing to do with baby, husband, cooking or cleaning. And, as I always do, I found a few magical gems that made me smile.

Wisteria is one of those catalogs that is about that special-one-of-a-kind something, that may be more pretty than practical but surely is worth the imbalance. The red rim metallic basket and the hanging lamp were both described as having "rustic sensibility" - a description that is so very close to my heart.

And yes it is the 1st of December. And yes, I LOVE Christmas. And I love felted toys - so a felted Nativity Scene is just divine.

And lastly, there is this image - of an adult room, full of color and life. I love it. And I love it more because I am in the midst of baby proofing our small little apartment - which makes me see everything through the eyes of an 8 month old tornado, who wants to put everything in his mouth and climb the walls. So I will enjoy this grown up space from a distance and get to my present moment which includes plastic activity tables and wooden blocks.

Gratitude

2009-11-28T23:59:00.000-08:00

I am home, alone on a Saturday night.

That might not seem so exciting, but after a few days of family and friends and cooking and eating and talking, the quiet is divine. And after doing some of the things that I have been wanting to do, plus some of things that I needed to do, I realized that I should have just tried to close my eyes and sleep. And just as I am about to try to...

I am reminded that in fact I am not alone - for there is this little person asleep in the other room - a little person who has in the last few days had many firsts: first turkey eating, first belly scooting down the hallway, first standing hands free, first finger food and first time on the slide at the playground. Its no wonder that when we got home this afternoon he conked out on the big pillow on our bed like I have never seen him before.

So for this first Thanksgiving for us as a clan of three - I am gratful for family naps. I am grateful for the silence and stillness that follows the boisterous and lively time spent with grandmas and uncles and friends, new and old. I am grateful for the brother who cooked and for the friend who cleaned up. I am grateful for makeshift tables and mismatched dishes and left-over pumpkin pie. I am grateful for I am grateful for dishwashers and toaster-ovens. I am grateful for Skpe and video calls. But mostly, I am grateful, that we were together.

Words of wisdom

2009-11-24T22:34:00.000-08:00

37 years ago a pediatrician in Houston, Texas told my mother-in-law the following:

"Don't worry, they grow up in spite of you."

So, I will do what I can, when I can - and learn to give myself a break.

First snow

2009-11-23T22:08:00.000-08:00

It's funny, pre-parenthood I don't think we've EVER gone anywhere for the weekend without checking the weather forecast. But now, when it might even be more important, we both neglected to check.

We were just going to Tahoe, come on, there was no way we would have snow.

But as you can see, we arrived to a white winter wonderland. Luckily I had grabbed the fleece jumper and gloves just as we were leaving - just in case.

8 months

2009-11-22T23:11:00.000-08:00

Today the nugget is eight months old. And it is a Sunday, just like the day he was born.

I feel like I blinked my eyes and the last 8 months swirled by in a haze. Yesterday he picked up a banana puff with his tiny fingers and put it in his mouth, while sitting in a high chair. Today he pulled himself up to standing. Tomorrow, he may just ask for the car keys.

Me too.

2009-11-22T21:59:00.000-08:00

Sometimes its the last line that says it all.

In the case of the first Chapter of Momma Zen, its dead on.

My mom gave me this book last Christmas - almost a year ago - when I had a big round tummy and a due date around the end of March. I think I started reading it the next morning, diligently highlighting the words of wisdom that I thought would have some relevance for this new journey into motherhood. I highlighted, I agreed, I got to Chapter 7 and I stopped. I am not exactly sure when that was, but I just remember feeling like I was not ready for the realities of her words and the realities of the lessons that were so inevitably in my path. I needed to stay in the moment - and my moment was 7 months pregnant.

So now, about 10 months after putting it down, I am picking it up again. And reading one chapter every Sunday, until I get to the end. That way, instead of simply highlighting and taking it all in at the same time and therefore retaining nothing, I will slow down and try to digest it properly.

And it's amazing what happens when you re-read something several times. Different words pop off the page and different sentences strike different places in your heart - even though nothing on the page has changed. But you have changed. Of all the things I highlighted these many months ago, today, on this day 8 months exactly since the nugget was born, there are 2 sentences that for me run circles around the rest:

First,
It {your life as a mother} will prove how capable and creative you are, how boundless and free. You are just not likely to believe it right away. {Momma Zen, p. 8}

I have always wondered about women who are mothers who say they aren't creative. The fact is that you can't be a mother and not be creative. And it has nothing to do with glitter or knitting needles. Its every soothed cry, every no turned into a yes, every made up song used to get through the line at the grocery store. It is true that I considered myself a capable and creative person before becoming a mother, but somehow this is different. How, I am not quite sure yet. And the boundless and free part, well that just makes me excited for what lies ahead.

And secondly,
I know. I understand. Me too. {Momma Zen, p. 8)

This is it - these may just be the only 6 words that I ever need to hear. Ever. Because they are the only ones that help when your hair isn't washed, your clothes are spit up on, your thoughts are consumed with your lack of sleep, your baby is on a boob strike and you just ran into one of those moms whose hair is perfectly straightened, her white shirt is pressed, her purse is actually a purse and not a 10 pound diaper suitcase and she is actually accessorized with a necklace and shiny battle flats.

Because, I am not alone in this. Ever. Not matter what it is. And neither are you.

Dust collecting

2009-11-20T13:50:00.000-08:00

My house looks how I feel - dust collecting at the edges, disorganized, needing some TLC.

I always know when I have overbooked myself by the state of my house - don't get me wrong, I have certainly softened around the cleanliness of my house since having a baby and for the most part it feels just fine, but this week was different.

I had in fact overbooked myself with too many activities and commitments on too many consecutive days. Perhaps I got overzealous with this new found energy I have some how found. And so I broke one of my rules - only one scheduled activity or commitment per day.

So at the end of this very full week, including yesterday's locked car debacle, I am simply needing a bit of rest and my house is needing a bit of attention.

First panic

2009-11-19T20:54:00.000-08:00

This is indeed a year of firsts. First tooth, first steps, first word, first moment of panic. Most will belong to him, the last one belonged to me today.

I knew it would happen - that moment when your heart stops and world stops spinning. I just figured it would happen later, when he is mobile and as quick as the wind. But it happened today, and it had nothing to do with anything he did. This, was all me.

Straightforward day - mail thank you card, drop of project at printer, drive to Oakland to deliver food for new mama, papa and baby, cuddle new baby, pick up baby gate, feed baby, feed me, come home. I had it all figured out - timed perfectly so the first nap could happen in the car on the way to Oakland and the second on the way back. Easy, perfect, no problem.

Left the house, drove six blocks to the post-office, doubled parked, left keys in ignition, got out of car, left driver side door open, went to get card out of bag in trunk, went back to close driver side door, closed driver side door, went back to open back - and its locked. Go back to driver side door, and its locked. They are all locked. And the ignition is on. And the baby is inside. And then in one millionth of a second, I was helpless and terrified.

All of a sudden, he was in there and I was out there and I had no idea what to do. My keys, my phone, my baby. I could have panicked. That would have been understandable. But he was fine, the motor went to battery power (because its a hybrid) and all I needed to do was call a locksmith. Luckily I wasn't the only one mailing things this morning, so I chatted up a nice looking lady, told her what I had done, and asked for her phone. Who do you call? Do you call 911? She had internet on her phone, we found a locksmith, gave him the address and he said 15 minutes. When we figured I was okay, she dr0ve away and took her cell phone with her.

And then, he started to cry. No he started to scream - and I there was nothing I could do. I could see the tears streaming down his face and these little red eyes looking at me longingly. I sang Itsy Bitsy Spider through the tinted glass and hoped that my hand gestures would make him think this was an intentional game. But I could feel the panic start in my gut. And what was probably only minutes felt like unbearably long hours.

I asked another guy if he would check the hardware store around the corner - he simply shrugged and said they weren't open yet. I knew I just needed to wait - help was on the way. So I stood with my hand on the glass, hoping the nugget knew I was right there.

It was that hand that must have alerted her, because she knew. A few moments later a gentle looking woman asked me if I was okay - when I told her what was happening, she said "I knew - I saw you. I saw you talking to the glass and I knew there was someone inside. I am mom too. I will get my husband - he'll help."

And what happened next is 8 minutes of my life that played in fast forward. It looked something like this:
"Oh there is a baby in there - oh my god."
He called AAA.
His wife sang songs to the nugget.
I asked her name, she said Alejandra.
I said, me too.
She said it would be okay.
AAA arrived.
In 2 seconds the door was open.
I took nugget out and just held in my arms.
In 2 seconds he was fine.
AAA left - the husband had settled it all.
He won't let me pay.
He hugged me and said get AAA.
She hugged me and said Happy Thanksgiving.
I put nugget back in the car.
I got back int the car.
And I wept, uncontrollably.

2009-11-18T23:52:00.000-08:00

This is so NOT me in the kitchen. It's actually not really any woman in the kitchen but there are those who are so very skilled at creating divine things in the kitchen - that they seem magic to me. I get that there is no magic wand, but sometimes I am not sure.

I have always observed from a distance, accepting my role as the "best cleaner upper around" and am always very happy when I somehow found myself in the company of others who love to cook. I don't love it. I don't really even like it. But I am learning.

In my family, the love of cooking has been passed down in the male genes - I have two brothers who usually knock my socks off and I had a dad whose profound pleasure for nurturing his family through what he concocted in the kitchen was evident at every meal. So I feel like I have a bit of an excuse. But now that I am some one's wife and some one's mother, the reality is that someone has to cook and I can't expect my 7 month old to do it.

So I am learning. And tonight is a perfect example. You see tonight I did not cook for myself or my family, I cooked for a friend - a friend who has been a mother for just about 5 days. A friend who was always the one to feed me. And tomorrow, it is my turn to feed her.

And as I was chopping and dicing and mixing, I realized that something has in fact changed. The pre-mom me probably would have stopped at Whole Foods on the way to her house and picked whatever looked the best. Or maybe the pre-mom me would have chosen a few easy to heat up things from the Farmer's Market. But instead, I actually cooked.

It's nothing complicated, really, but its handmade and its full of heart. Because I can't repay this friend for the many times she has taken care of me. And I don't have a magic wand. But a have a messy kitchen, a home that smells of baking gingerbread and a bag full of goodies for a new mama and her babe and that feels really good.

Momma Zen

2009-11-15T21:28:00.000-08:00

Part of navigating the first year of motherhood is learning to get very comfortable in the world of unpredictable chaos. Some days schedules work, other days they end in the trash with the mound of dirty diapers. For me, part of the "oh I am starting to feel normal again" thing that started around 6 months came with the addition of re-introducing rituals or habits or structures that were solely for my benefit and no one else. Part of that, was starting to write again. Another part was starting to read again.

Last week I committed to start reading Momma Zen again. (I had started in my 7 month of pregnancy and then needed to put it away - I wasn't ready for this real a look at motherhood.) But last week, I felt ready. So, I committed to read one chapter, every Sunday and then write about it.

So today, would have been that first Sunday. But what happened instead is that I read Karen's blog an hour ago, and what she wrote today, is better than anything that I could have put together. So, I pass along to you, her words, on this first Sunday of committing to reading her wise and witty words:

How to make a baby

Add baby.
Dispose of birth plan.
Put all cashmere out of reach.
Abandon eurostyle.
Abandon style.
Piss on style.
Shop Wal-Mart in haste and desperation.
Beg for hand-me-downs.
Wear husband's sweatpants.
Every day.
Leave room for baby weight, flat feet, worry lines and permanent scars.
Resemble your grandmother.
Forget bathing.
Luxuriate in a hot shower for 7 seconds one day.
Forget that day.
Chop off your hair.
Lose your head.
Soak all stains overnight in salty tears.
(The stains remain and the tears return.)
Simmer in fatigue.
Whisk in exhaustion.
Churn the night into the day.
Let surface harden until brittle.
Scrape the bottom.
Let time evaporate.
Give up completely.
Make nothing.
Except mac and cheese microwaved for 3.5 minutes on High.
Love without doubt.
Forever.

From Cheerio Road - the delightful blog of Karen Maezen Miller

Waiting for rain

2009-11-12T22:00:00.000-08:00

Urban Outfitters has always been a secret weapon of mine...for inexpensive home decor items. Every now and again I would find a shirt or necklace that wasn't too "20 year-old-art-school-student", but I will admit it has been a while.

However, this younger sibling to Anthropologie has grown up a little. I got a catalog in the mail yesterday and was fascinated with this picture. Mind you, she seems to be missing some pants, but aside from that, this new mom loves this look and loves the utilitarian rainboots. And since the forecast is for rain, I might just have to go and take a look.

Take comfort

2009-11-11T22:57:00.000-08:00

Here is why I love Pandora. Because without trying, gifts like this fill your living room in the moment when you need it most.

Comfort by Deb Talan

When everyone has gone to sleep and you are wide awake, there's no one left to tell your troubles to. Just an hour ago, you listened to their voices lilting like a river over underground and the light from downstairs came up soft like daybreak, dimly as the heartache of a lonely child. If you can't remember a better time you can have mine, little one.

In days to come when your heart feels undone may you always find an open hand and take comfort wherever you can, you can, you can.

And oh, it's a strange place. And oh, everyone with a different face but just like you thought when you stopped here to linger, we're only as separate as your little fingers. So cry, why not? we all do then turn to one you love and smile a smile that lights up all the room.

Follow your dreams in through every out-door, it seems that's what we're here for. And when you can't remember a better time you can have mine, little one. In days to come when your heart feels undone, may you always find an open hand and take comfort, there is comfort.

Take comfort wherever you can, you can, you can.

************************************************

It's her voice and the lyrics - what I wish I could say to the nugget, every day. Another mama must have felt the same way...take a look.

Too big, too long, too mobile

2009-11-10T21:09:00.000-08:00

And then, just like that, in a matter of a few days maybe a week, everything was too small. He is now too heavy for my favorite sling, too mobile for my favorite bouncy chair, too long for my favorite towel, too big for our favorite hammock.

So on Sunday, with a sort of bittersweet longing for what was, I packed these favorites into a storage container and placed it in the garage, to be opened again should there be a baby number two.

What has stayed with me is how much effort, time and energy I put into choosing and obtaining these "favorites". Some were gifts, others were the divine answers to the unexpected needs that arose in the first weeks of new parenting (ie. the hammock saved our lower backs from endless hours of bouncing on the yoga ball). The decisions all seemed so important, and then a little over 6 months later, the results simply lie dormant in a box in the garage.

So it is once again a lesson in the fluidity of the first 12 months of life - how much change and transformation occurs in such a short span of time. And it is a lesson for me, to not get attached to the "stuff" of child-rearing, because I have a lifetime of favorites still to come.

As a side note...I read this post aloud to my husband just now. And as I read, he blurted out "The hammock's gone?" And it made me smile - that was one of his favorites too.

This is why

2009-11-10T18:45:00.000-08:00

And so the student asked, "Why then do we meditate?"

And the teacher's answer was "To be peaceful for you, useful for them."

This has never been more true than in motherhood. I was in Thailand on retreat when I heard this, and it rang true then. Now, it seems there is really no other way.

So this morning, as soon as the nugget was asleep for his morning nap - instead of doing the dishes, answering emails, folding the laundry, straightening the living room, writing a to-do list, making phone calls or catching up on my blog reading, I sat. I sat on my pillow and observed a mind that was fighting every moment. I wanted to get up a hundred times. But I didn't. Instead, I decided to just breath and stay on the cushion. The point is to be where you are - and today I was able to sit and breathe.

And though it was only fifteen or so minutes, something about today was different. Something about me was different.

So, find your tools - do the things that create inner peace and calm for you.

Whoever and whatever your "them" are, they will thank you for it.

Bon Appetit

2009-11-09T22:11:00.000-08:00

I wanted to love Super Baby Food, I really did. But it was dense and complicated and seemed to make me more anxious about diving into the world of solid foods than not, so I took what I could and stuck with sweet potatoes and pears. Knowing I needed to branch out, I went to my trusted source: my comrades in arms, the two new mamas I meet with each week. And of course, the answer was there, as always.

Williams Sonoma's Cooking for Baby

Here is why I love it:

1. It's easy to read, easy to follow, easy to use and makes me feel like I know what I am doing

2. It's broken down into months with suggestions for what is appropriate for your little one

3. It offers alternatives to rice cereal as baby's first food

4. The recipes could be for adults too - one meal for everyone (brilliant concept)

5. It's practical and pretty

For someone who would rather do the dishes than make the meal, this is a really good place to start. They say it takes baby steps, and it seems these little steps for my babe may just turn me into someone who likes cook.

But let's wait and see.

Being read to

2009-11-08T22:08:00.000-08:00

I am a little behind. Okay maybe a lot behind. But I am a new mom and a trip to the movies sounds about as exotic and mysterious as a trip to Shanghai.

We live without a TV. And though we used to keep Netflix in business, we have slowly stopped watching movies as well. And mostly, I don't miss it. We talk to each other more. And read more. But I miss the true escapism that movies provide me. So when two trusted sources recommended The Reader in one night, I couldn't resist and headed straight to our neighborhood Blockbuster. And on Saturday night, watching each nuance of this masterpiece projected onto the wall of our living room, I escaped.

Kate Winslet is stunning. This whole movie is stunning.

If you haven't seen it, see it.